Relief

Today was our day retreat. Today I finally let myself feel everything I'd hidden away all semester. I cried. Hard. But I still couldn't open up in my vulnerability. I left the room to weep because I didn't want anyone to see me cry. Shows how much I've regressed, huh? I haven't been in the practice of hiding my tears since my junior year of high school. But I was able release a little bit of the stress I've had. On the way back, I wrote some lyrics. They are reminiscent of the worship stations we did today which focused on hope, peace, humility and strength. Also, on Friday during class we used art as an outlet. I painted a picture of light breaking through a brick wall and penetrating darkness. On this picture I wrote the phrase "Love breaks down walls." I thought of it as I was writing. Here it is:

How do you put words to feelings?
How do you make sense of what you've seen?
On solid ground I lost my footing
And I don't know where to go

Please show me
Walk with me

Breathe peace into my life
Hope into my heart
Draw me humbly to my knees
To rise again with a strength that's not my own

Please show me
Walk with me

You can try not to feel
But love breaks down walls
Love breaks down walls
Show me how to break these walls

Dead and Gone

And no, I'm not talking about the new Justin Timberlake song. I was looking at old pictures and emails, etc. And that girl that was in those photos is so far off to me. I don't even know who she is. I don't feel like I connect with her at all. Another life. That girl is dead. I have no idea who I am now. How do I work out who I am in relation to what I've experienced in the last year? I don't know where I am or where I'm going. I had been upset because I felt I didn't connect well with many people from LA Term. And then I realized I hadn't really connected with anyone for a while. Then I realized I don't let people in. Last time I did, I make really good friends. But I also was really hurt in that process. Could it be that part of my life that totally turned me off to opening up to others? I don't know that I like this melancholy version of me, but I don't know how to fix it. It's not exactly easy to drop all defenses. I feel even vulnerable as I'm writing this, even though I know not many people read it.

I have this picture in my mind of the world spinning around me. And suddenly, I lose my footing. I feel like I'm in such a dark place, and I don't know how to find my way out of it.

Or maybe this is just how I feel tonight, and tomorrow will be better. But maybe not. I guess we'll see.

Me.