Beautiful Things

So it's been a crazy good week. Lots of things happening, at a quick pace and at a slow pace. I guess such is life, right? Anyway, After I made my decision, I was surprised at the reality of it. So it took a little bit to get used to the sudden change in life plans. But let me tell you about my week!

First off, the best thing: The student I had been talking about who was really coming closer to faith came to church on Friday. It was there that she finally chose to surrender her heart and life to Christ!!! It truly is beautiful because I don't think it was a decision based on emotions. It wasn't because of her boyfriend who has been out of town for the last few weeks. It was simply the moment when she knew God had chosen her and she embraced it. She thanked me for "bringing her to God." But I told her it was God who brought her to himself. I just got to watch. And I'm so thankful that God allowed me to watch. She is the first to come to Christ at Santisuk this year. I trust she will not be the last. And even when I leave, she is in the hands of our Wonderful Creator and a fantastic cell group who will help guide her in the first part of her walk. It's such an exciting thing!!

On Saturday I spent the day with the two Americans that are here. It's really nice having girls my age to hang out with. We went to the zoo and the big market and a mall they'd never visited. The day was full of laughter and pictures and spending (whoops!) but it was also full of reflection. I thought a lot about my decision and about my future and all the unknowns ahead. When I got home from the evening, instead of being anxious at all the questions I have, I felt completely at peace with where I am. I wrote this email to a friend:

"You know what's funny? As I've begun to tell people that I'm leaving, they ask if I'm just visiting home and then coming back. And then when I say no, they ask if I'll just come back next year. And I can honestly say now that I have no idea where in the world I'll be in one year. I actually said to someone, "My life is not my own," and I absolutely meant it. And that person didn't understand what I meant. And I've realized that the life verse I claimed in high school and then brushed aside is again my life verse. Isaiah 6:8: "Here am I. Send me." I have no idea what my calling is or where I'm supposed to go, and that's okay. I'm excited because I know God will be with me every step of the way and reveal it to me as I need to know. I don't think I've ever been more excited about a foggy future. haha I've been brainstorming about what direction my life could take. I think my next step is to learn piano and improve at leading worship and see where God takes me in that. Or I could move to Minnesota where I now have great friends that I've met here so that I can get a master's degree in addiction counseling. Tonight I was thinking and I tried to picture myself permanently in the States, and I wasn't sure that I could. It's a far cry from where I was last year, absolutely determined not to leave Gabe.. haha Thank God. 'Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.' A-freaking-men."

And I reread that email, surprised by the maturity I was displaying. At some point during my stay God took hold of my life for real. There so many things I've known about the Christian life but it's so much different when that head knowledge finally moves to the heart. And it wasn't a sudden realization like it can sometimes be. I had no idea it even happened. It was a quiet growth that was just "there"when the time came. I want that to be the pattern for my walk with Christ. I don't want to know as I'm growing, because sometimes I place the focus on "my" growth. It's not mine. It's a work God is doing in me. And he will "bring it to completion" someday. Not for a very long while, though. For now, I'm pleased to look back at where I was and see where I am now and know it is a testimony to the grace and love of our Lord. How good is he?!

But yes, about those things in that email. In this next year I'm not sure of my exact plans. It's hard to even envision a life in the States now! Right now though, my heart desires to worship. For many years I've dreamed of getting to travel and lead worship in other places, seeing so many different people in different places worshipping the same God. It's hard for me to share this dream because I'm afraid it sounds silly. Compared to so many of my friends, my voice and my musicianship skills are not that great. But like I said, it's where my heart is. And I can't forget that 3 years ago he told me just to trust him and that he can do anything. It's scary to tell you all this in case I fail. But as I just typed that, I realized I cannot fail. I can simply learn that that is not the life God wants for me. I pray that he will open the doors that will bring the most glory to his name. My other idea is to make some money and return to school. During my summer abroad in Argentina I volunteered at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. I grew to love those women and wished I had a better way to help them than to just hang out. So if I am to go back to school I would get a degree/certificate in rehabilitation counseling. Maybe that's where God wants me. I did some light research on universities that offer such a program, and let me tell you.. there aren't many. They all cater to marriage and family counseling. But there is one that happens to be in Minnesota, where I now have a few good friends, and it would not be far from them. That also seems like it could work. But again, I don't know! Like in my email, I trust God to fill me in on his plan as I need to know. I trust him to close the doors to the options that are not his best for me. 

Anyway! Yesterday was my last day of teaching kindergarten! Hallelujah! I've learned how to interact with little kids now and they can be so adorable, but I definitely don't enjoy teaching them. Especially kids who don't speak English! Now I can sleep in the mornings and begin going to the gym again so I can be in better shape for when I go home! :) 

Lastly, I'm going to do something I never do. I'm going to share some lyrics/poemness I wrote. To be honest, I didn't listen to the sermon last night at church. I just started writing. And it's been so long since I've written. I'm always afraid to share these things because they are so personal, but I'm going to because it is a testimony to God's goodness. Don't laugh, okay?

Through the fog

Through the fire

Through the chaos in my mind

You've never left me

You're always by my side

You're patient with my failures

And my always desperate cry

You've never failed to rescue me

And I owe you more than my life

You held my hand when it hurt the most

You are there for every smile

You are teaching me to follow you

In ever blessing and every trial.

How can you be so wonderful?

How can you give so much grace?

How can I express how I love you

When I can't find any new words to say

Lord all I can do is stand here

Utterly amazed

So there it is. I think maybe the first full song about Jesus. Or second. The other was just two stanzas though.. Anyway, there's my heart on the page.

Continue to pray that God's name be lifted up here in Bangkok and all over the world.

In Christ, 

Tracy

It's Time. I think.

In the time that has passed since I last wrote, everything has changed. Every time someone would ask how long I was here or if they asked about my interview, I always qualified it. "If I get the job, I'm here. If I don't, I'll go home." Easy enough. In an effort to prepare myself in case things here didn't work out, I began researching things to do once I returned home. Just in case.

Jump to the other thing I wrote about. I was so excited about my students' interest in Jesus and faith and God. I learned that one of these students actually was baptized a long time ago, but at some point he stopped coming. But it's cool that he's back and has brought his girlfriend to church and has jumped on board fully. And I think she's open to it and getting closer to seeing who Christ really is. (Side note: I hung out with the two of them during Songkran, and it was fabulous! They were great hosts, though not very great protectors. hehe I only say that because I was just attacked with water and clay at almost every moment. But it was okay, because we all just laughed about it together. We joked about my bring a target cuz I'm white. haha [Sorry I couldn't get pictures. There was no way I was going to destro my new camera for one good shot.]) The other student who I've really been rooting for has a different story. He asked us to pray about his possible entrance into the military service. You see, at age 25, adult males who did not do the rotc type program in their high schools must report to the _____ (I don't know where). At this point, they must draw one of two cards. If the card is red, they must do military service for 2 years. My student asked us to pray that he would not get it. I spoke to him last week. He pulled the red card and was pretty bummed about it. I was bummed when I heard. Now what will he think of Jesus and prayer and faith? Will he continue to be surrounded by people who love Christ? It was really disappointing. But like I said in my last blog, I MUST entrust him to God's care. I believe that God has his eye on him and that someday he will choose to follow. And though I will not be in his life, I must continue to pray for him.

The excitement of seeing God move has faded a little. It is still a beautiful thing, but I also must trust that these things are happening even when I don't see them. As my roommate said regarding another person I wondered about, "I don't know his heart, so I don't know." That made me realize that I can be a pretty judgmental person. I look at people's actions and draw conclusions from them. Though the Bible says faith is made evident by fruit, it still doesn't give me the right to judge.

Wow that was an unexpected little tangent. But it's good to be real, right? Always.

Anyways, back to my original story.. The sudden absence of just about everyone here changed everything. Two of my great friends went to America and several others traveled home for the Thai new year. Though it was less than a week away from everyone, things changed drastically. I got an email about my second interview, but I wondered if I really wanted it anymore. I had being imagining what it'd be like to go home. There were things I began to get excited about at home. I desperately began praying that God would help me know where he wanted me. If I was to be here, I now needed a job and a change of heart. If I was to go home, I would need him to close the door on the job. But with a second interview, I knew I could nail it. I needed him to say no. This was my prayer for a few days, and nothing was changing. Then I got the email telling me exactly what I was to prepare for my demo lesson the next day. I was supposed to teach them essay structure. They wanted me to bring in a couple examples of good essays and a couple examples of bad essays for them to rewrite. And they wanted me to make it fun. I had absolutely no desire to put in the effort it would take to do a great lesson. None at all. It didn't sound appealing to me. But it was at my friend's school and he was giving me pointers and really wanted me to be able to work at his school. His wife told me I had to do well because she wanted me here. And in my head I began stressing out. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even want to do the interview. I realized I didn't want it anymore. My desire to go home had grown stronger than my desire to stay. It only took a week for everything to turn around. But what should I do? Cancel my interview or let God close the door? The problem is.. I knew I didn't want the job anymore. So why spend all the extra time and stress trying to prepare something good that I didn't even remotely care about? Why waste everyone's time? But to make such a big decision in one night?

It was tough. But I made it. And unless God does something to change all my plans (which is completely possible!), I will be coming home on June 14. So.. There it is. That's my big news.

For the remainder of my time here, I will finished teaching this session at Santisuk, then travel to southern Thailand with the two other missionaries here. Then maybe try to throw in a trip to Chiang Mai and the Philippines, but really I have to sit down and see if I can plan it all out. I don't have enough time and I have 2 months left!!

Please be praying for my remaining time here. That God would use every moment to glorify him. That he would continue to prepare me for what is ahead. That his hand would be on the relationships I have here. That they would support my decision and release me from my people-pleasing desires. For the relationships at home that have changed and the difficulties I will face in coming home to that with my own changes that have come.

Pray that his will be done and that his name is glorified above all else.

Amen.

Good Things Come to Those who Wait

So I need to write another post so you all know I'm not depressed and so I can share the great things that have been happening around here!

First off, since Friendship Camp, my past student that I mentioned along with 2 of my most recent students have shown more and more interest in God. All 3 came to our cell group last Sunday and it was SUCH a blessed time. It was probably the best cell group we've had in a while. One of the older cell members has come 4 times since I met her, and she often monopolized conversation with her questions and worries and problems. But this time, she offered to explain why the 3 new-comers could not take communion with us.. and then it turned into a really long presentation of the Gospel and her testimony and comparing Christianity with Buddhism. This former Buddhist lesbian women was just on fire. She was with it. And I was singing "Praie the Lord!" inside, not only for her, but for what my students were hearing from her. At the end of the time, we split into three groups and were able to pray for each other and for the students and continue in conversation. After cell group the member continued to bless us by treating us to lunch at Sizzler (which is not cheap for Thai people). It was the first time any of my students ever had the opportunity to eat there! And it was wonderful because the conversations about Christ and faith continued. One of the students is really struggling with his Buddhist faith and his new desire to discover what God has to offer. The older member kept encouraging him to just act on faith. After THAT, we continued to just have fun together and we went bowling! That was just my students, me, and the Philipina missionary teacher who is part of our cell. And after THAT, 2 of those students chose to come also to English service. It was an amazing day.

Wednesday was my last day of class at Santisuk for this session so we went out for ice cream afterwards. I invited my friend Nan from church who was unable to come to cell group because she was visiting home. She asked if P Pom (the older member) did a good job translating and I said she did, and then I turned to my students who had been there and asked if she did a good job. I guess they hadn't been previously listening to our conversation, so they didn't know we were talking about translation. My student said, "Oh yes. She answered all the questions in my heart." AMEN! He didn't even have to ASK the question for God to use P Pom to answer them. These two students (who are dating) are both taking monumental steps forward in trusting God. It's so beautiful to watch! AND they volunteered to take me around during Songkran (the New Year festival that I was worried about in my last post)!!

God is so good. I've been here for 6 months now and had gotten kind of discouraged with the lack of growth and just how everything was. So it is such a blessing that God has allowed me to see Him move here. It's exactly the reason I came. And it's wonderful to get to watch this unfold right before my eyes. I feel so so blessed and excited about what is to come.

BUT in order to stay here, I need a job. This month is the last month that I am guaranteed income. And I have been praying that God would show me where HE wants me. I am happy to say that I am completely at peace with whatever that is. It would be difficult to go home and be clueless as to my next steps, but if that is where he wants me, he will provide. It would not be admitting defeat; it would simply mean that my time here is done. And though that means I won't get to see those students continue to grow, it would mean that I must trust God to "bring to completion" the work that he started in them. And I do. I trust him completely. But one wonderful thing that happened this week is I had an interview for a job at the sister school of the one I'm currently at. It it a much bigger and better established school than where I am. Not only that, but I would be under the supervision of a good friend of mine. In fact, it was he who interviewed me. We had an hour long conversation about what jobs were open and what each entailed, and I actually began to get very excited about maybe teaching Social Studies (world history and geography) to 10/11/12 grade students. It would enable me to learn more and then get to share my knowledge with the students. I think there is already a foundation for what to teach also, I wouldn't be completely lost like I was when I came to my school. The main issue with the former teacher was that every lesson was lecture-based and the learning wasn't fun and there wasn't much retention. I've found myself already brainstorming projects and ways to make it interesting, incorporating assignments I've had to do personally in the past. The job is not mine though. There are others applying. And I may or may not get called for a second interview and at that point I would have to present a demo lesson. I've never had to do that. My school was so desperate for a teacher that they hired me without knowing if I was any good. And to be honest, I don't think I'm very good with kindergarteners. I mean, now I know how to relate with them and I love to play with them, but teaching them is a whole other story... and it's not a fun one! Anyway, back to my interview.. I am completely at peace with whatever happens. If I don't get the job, I have one more application to go through for a part-time Spanish teacher. But if no job becomes available, I won't take it personally. Of course there are older more experienced and more qualified people for these positions. And if they get the jobs, then perhaps it truly is time for me to come home for a new adventure. I'm okay with either. I just want what God has for me. :)

Okie doke, I think that leaves us on a better note than last time, right? More news to come.
Love you all.

Remembering Christ on this day,
Tracy