I am a sinner.

I have been confronted recently about how much I think of me. Everything revolves around me- what I do, what I think, who does or doesn't love me. Ugh. I am selfish, proud and impatient. If it doesn't concern me, I don't care.

That's disgusting and awful. And you know the worst part? I can't even grasp how true it is.

But God sees me through a rose-colored lens, well.. maybe it's more like blood-colored. Sure, he sees the not so pretty parts, but I am not condemned for my sins because Christ's blood covers me. And he is working in me to make me look more like him. That's why I can see these patterns. We're going to work on them together.

But in my pride and selfishness, I have a need for control. There are parts of me that maybe I still haven't given over completely to my Maker and my Healer. That's a scary thought. I want him to have all of me, but I don't know how to let go. And if I don't let go, can he do the work in me that he wants to do?

I am a sinner
If it's not one thing, it's another
Caught up in words, tangled in lies
But you are a Savior and you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful



Lord, help me to surrender my all to you. All the broken and hurting place that I've kept for myself. Take all my fears, take all my dreams. Fill the void with you. 

Did I Ever Tell You About the Time...

..when God healed people through me? I didn't? I missed that?! WELL, let me tell you now.

Flashback to a week off in Costa Rica this March. Ciri and I go to service at one of our partner churches. There is a guest speaker from New Mexico. He facilitates a time of healing at the end of the service. I feel weird. No because I don't think God heals people, because that would be silly. I feel weird because I've prayed for over 10 years for God to move through me in that way. Anyway, Pastor Gerardo says hi to us when the service is over. I say hi to a few more people. Ciri calls me over. Pastor Gerardo has just asked if we're free tomorrow because North American speaker needs a translator for the service tomorrow night in a city 2 hours away. I say sure, even though I'm reluctant. Why am I reluctant? Because I want to spend time with people where we are; because Ciri will be up in front with speaker while I sit by myself in a new place; because I can't send her off by herself and not feel like a completely jerk. We go. 

We end up going with Speakerman and guy from town who can show us the way. Cool. At least I won't be sitting alone when Ciri goes to translate. We meet the pastor and dine together, and I start to relax. I'm here now; I may as well enjoy it and get to know these people. We arrive at the church and wander up to the front, where visitors sit. In clear view of everyone. Worship starts, and I close my eyes to forget them all. We sing songs in Spanish that I know in English. I sing out because they are songs that are hitting home.. my attitude, my selfishness, my disbelief. Speaker comes over to Ciri and I and anoints our hands. He tells us that after praying for a bit, he knew he needed to do so because God would be healing people through us tonight. Oh, cool. --- Wait, what?! 

He goes on to ask us if we've ever laid hands on people. Not for healing! So he gives us a few pointers (questions to ask and such). All of a sudden, I have this opportunity to see God do through me exactly what I'd been praying for for years. And I'm SO nervous. My inner dialogue with God goes something like: Um. Okay. Well.. God.. I'm going to do it. So you're going to have to meet me here.. I'm going to do my best to trust you to do your part. But please do it, ok? And that's how it goes the whole time they are up giving the message. But all the while, I feel this warming sensation in my hands. 

Fast forward a bit. Speakerguy says it's time to come forward for healing, and he introduces his "prayer team" for the evening, aka Ciri and me. Okay, God, it's now or never! I'm trusting you to do this! And I approach the first person, asking where the pain was and praying over her. I ask her if it's better. I have no idea what she says! So I pray again and ask again.. I mean the music is going, so again I don't understand her response, but I make eye contact with Speaker and he gives me the nod to move on. I move over to a woman kneeling at the front of the stage. I ask her about her pain and lay my hand on her back/hips (where the pain is) and pray. I ask her if it's better, and it's still difficult to hear, but also she is sobbing and nodding.. so I take that as a sign that God did his thing. The third person I move over to is deep in prayer. I go to place my hand on her head to continue lifting her up, and SHE FALLS OVER! Remember when I had a conversation with God about this? (If you don't, go back and read this entry.) I was so in shock. But luckily a leader from the church was there to cover her with a blanket and continue prayer. I catch Speaker's eye. Later at second dinner he tells me that he had a hard time not laughing at the face I made when it happened. I can only imagine how shocked and surprised I was, not to mention that I immediately turned and walked away. I'm pretty sure that's not the appropriate reaction, but hey. It was the first time anything like that had happened to me! Correction: through me. 

Anyway, the night goes on in this sort of way, and afterwards, I can't help but feel this overwhelming joy at what I just witnessed/took part in. I told Speaker how I'd prayed so long for that gifting, and he said he believed I had it. We talked about the importance of remembering what God does and how the Israelites so often forgot. So here I am, writing it down for the world to celebrate and remember with me. 

Since then, my question has been Now what? How do I know when God wants to heal someone through me? All I can think up is that I need to continue learning to hear His voice, and He will make it clear. So that is my next step. Growing in intimacy with the Trinity and obeying when I am given direction. I mean, that's not easy, but that's what my goal is. And I know I'll never "get there," but I'm excited to grow in this way.

Lord, I want to know your voice. I want to become familiar with your whisper and your prodding. Make me sensitive to your Spirit. I pray this for all of us. Let us know you more and with growth in that knowing, let us obey.