First off, the best thing: The student I had been talking about who was really coming closer to faith came to church on Friday. It was there that she finally chose to surrender her heart and life to Christ!!! It truly is beautiful because I don't think it was a decision based on emotions. It wasn't because of her boyfriend who has been out of town for the last few weeks. It was simply the moment when she knew God had chosen her and she embraced it. She thanked me for "bringing her to God." But I told her it was God who brought her to himself. I just got to watch. And I'm so thankful that God allowed me to watch. She is the first to come to Christ at Santisuk this year. I trust she will not be the last. And even when I leave, she is in the hands of our Wonderful Creator and a fantastic cell group who will help guide her in the first part of her walk. It's such an exciting thing!!
On Saturday I spent the day with the two Americans that are here. It's really nice having girls my age to hang out with. We went to the zoo and the big market and a mall they'd never visited. The day was full of laughter and pictures and spending (whoops!) but it was also full of reflection. I thought a lot about my decision and about my future and all the unknowns ahead. When I got home from the evening, instead of being anxious at all the questions I have, I felt completely at peace with where I am. I wrote this email to a friend:
"You know what's funny? As I've begun to tell people that I'm leaving, they ask if I'm just visiting home and then coming back. And then when I say no, they ask if I'll just come back next year. And I can honestly say now that I have no idea where in the world I'll be in one year. I actually said to someone, "My life is not my own," and I absolutely meant it. And that person didn't understand what I meant. And I've realized that the life verse I claimed in high school and then brushed aside is again my life verse. Isaiah 6:8: "Here am I. Send me." I have no idea what my calling is or where I'm supposed to go, and that's okay. I'm excited because I know God will be with me every step of the way and reveal it to me as I need to know. I don't think I've ever been more excited about a foggy future. haha I've been brainstorming about what direction my life could take. I think my next step is to learn piano and improve at leading worship and see where God takes me in that. Or I could move to Minnesota where I now have great friends that I've met here so that I can get a master's degree in addiction counseling. Tonight I was thinking and I tried to picture myself permanently in the States, and I wasn't sure that I could. It's a far cry from where I was last year, absolutely determined not to leave Gabe.. haha Thank God. 'Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.' A-freaking-men."
And I reread that email, surprised by the maturity I was displaying. At some point during my stay God took hold of my life for real. There so many things I've known about the Christian life but it's so much different when that head knowledge finally moves to the heart. And it wasn't a sudden realization like it can sometimes be. I had no idea it even happened. It was a quiet growth that was just "there"when the time came. I want that to be the pattern for my walk with Christ. I don't want to know as I'm growing, because sometimes I place the focus on "my" growth. It's not mine. It's a work God is doing in me. And he will "bring it to completion" someday. Not for a very long while, though. For now, I'm pleased to look back at where I was and see where I am now and know it is a testimony to the grace and love of our Lord. How good is he?!
But yes, about those things in that email. In this next year I'm not sure of my exact plans. It's hard to even envision a life in the States now! Right now though, my heart desires to worship. For many years I've dreamed of getting to travel and lead worship in other places, seeing so many different people in different places worshipping the same God. It's hard for me to share this dream because I'm afraid it sounds silly. Compared to so many of my friends, my voice and my musicianship skills are not that great. But like I said, it's where my heart is. And I can't forget that 3 years ago he told me just to trust him and that he can do anything. It's scary to tell you all this in case I fail. But as I just typed that, I realized I cannot fail. I can simply learn that that is not the life God wants for me. I pray that he will open the doors that will bring the most glory to his name. My other idea is to make some money and return to school. During my summer abroad in Argentina I volunteered at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. I grew to love those women and wished I had a better way to help them than to just hang out. So if I am to go back to school I would get a degree/certificate in rehabilitation counseling. Maybe that's where God wants me. I did some light research on universities that offer such a program, and let me tell you.. there aren't many. They all cater to marriage and family counseling. But there is one that happens to be in Minnesota, where I now have a few good friends, and it would not be far from them. That also seems like it could work. But again, I don't know! Like in my email, I trust God to fill me in on his plan as I need to know. I trust him to close the doors to the options that are not his best for me.
Anyway! Yesterday was my last day of teaching kindergarten! Hallelujah! I've learned how to interact with little kids now and they can be so adorable, but I definitely don't enjoy teaching them. Especially kids who don't speak English! Now I can sleep in the mornings and begin going to the gym again so I can be in better shape for when I go home! :)
Lastly, I'm going to do something I never do. I'm going to share some lyrics/poemness I wrote. To be honest, I didn't listen to the sermon last night at church. I just started writing. And it's been so long since I've written. I'm always afraid to share these things because they are so personal, but I'm going to because it is a testimony to God's goodness. Don't laugh, okay?
Through the fog
Through the fire
Through the chaos in my mind
You've never left me
You're always by my side
You're patient with my failures
And my always desperate cry
You've never failed to rescue me
And I owe you more than my life
You held my hand when it hurt the most
You are there for every smile
You are teaching me to follow you
In ever blessing and every trial.
How can you be so wonderful?
How can you give so much grace?
How can I express how I love you
When I can't find any new words to say
Lord all I can do is stand here
Utterly amazed
So there it is. I think maybe the first full song about Jesus. Or second. The other was just two stanzas though.. Anyway, there's my heart on the page.
Continue to pray that God's name be lifted up here in Bangkok and all over the world.
In Christ,
Tracy
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