Discouraged.

Currently I feel pretty lonely. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with my questioning. What am I doing here, God? Recently we've started up an English service at our church, which I was very excited about. I was even asked to lead worship on the first day. And I thought I was being a good leader, sending out a Facebook message to the two others at the beginning of the week with what I thought would be the songs for Sunday. And we met Thursday to practice, and that went fairly well. They still didn't really know the new songs, but it was only a day or two after I showed them. And then Sunday when we come early to practice, nothing is set up and everyone is doing other things and people came to "help" and were fooling around with instruments and I had to get chords printed up because that wasn't taken care of by the person  in charge. When we finally got to practice, like 30 minutes before service was to start, it turns out the two had neither practiced nor even listened to the new songs on their own. I was SO frustrated. Not to mention the equipment didn't work properly. This was NOT like leading worship at home. I was frustrated and I think everyone could tell. I knew I needed to let go, but I didn't know how. I told my roommate that I needed prayer. I told another woman I trust deeply that it was so hard and I was frustrated and I needed God to change my attitude. And he did. Worship was fine. He was there. Was it perfect? No. But that's okay. 

This week, I was just going to sing, but didn't go to the first rehearsal on Tuesday because it was Valentine's day and I had a date! :) But when I came on Thursday, it felt like everything was already taken care of. The American girl who is here for two months is a perfectly capable singer and also plays piano. My roommate plays guitar. They had one guy lead and 3 girl singers. Why was I there? I felt discouraged yet again. Oh yea, and the last mic they had for me was battery-less. So it really was like I was useless. Then Friday night was the Thai service. And I went and sat alone. And no one sat by me. And I thought to myself, Doesn't anyone here love me? And someone got up to give their testimony and used John 21, "If you love me, feed my sheep." I've been asking God to show me what real love is. And this struck me. "Feed my sheep." But God, I have no sheep. There is no one in my care here. God how can I feed sheep I don't have? Who are the sheep you've entrusted in my care? Is there anyone?? It was all I could do to keep from crying in the middle of service. How could I show my love if I couldn't feed sheep? 

A few hours after service I went with two other cell groups on a camping trip. I was invited by the guy I'm dating and his friend. And my roommate would be there, too, so I figured, "Sweet! I finally get to leave Bangkok!" But it turned out to be so lonely for me. I felt like I didn't fit in. It turns out that something I said in my brokenness early on in the trip really hurt the guy, so then he ignored me the whole time we were there. It was truly a lonely time. But I had a lot of time to think.. I realized I have this great need to be needed. I find my worth in being useful. Not in Jesus. And I remembered that God doesn't need me. He doesn't need me at all. He can do anything he wants without my help. But he wants me. That was such a beautiful and freeing thing to realize. When we got back, I was able to go to worship to offer my gift, not because it was needed, but because he wanted it. And then I was asked to open one of the songs. Talk about blessings. When I gave up my need for usefulness, I was suddenly necessary. haha God is funny. 

And then yesterday and today, in the span of 24 hours, I called the airline over 30 times, trying to change my flight. I am scheduled to take off on the 22. If I don't get through in just a few hours tomorrow morning, I forfeit my flight and will have to pay for a return on my own with money I currently don't have. How can a business have its phone line be busy EVERY TIME someone calls? I don't know what to do. I have a very small window tomorrow to get through. Please pray.

Also, be praying for locating a new job. I have told my school that I am not interested in teaching kindergarten again. I have applied to two places, but I won't know anything for a while, I don't think. 

And be praying for my relationships here. That God would move in them and through them. I desire to be known and understood, but I don't have that yet here. And it gets lonely. 

Alright, I'm out.

Learning, Healing, Growing

January was a fantastic month. I know I didn't really update like I should have, but I promise you, it was a good time.

First off, I had a period of complete confusion. I wasn't sure why I was here, of even if this was where God wanted me. In speaking with people I trust, I was told they didn't actually think I was listening to God. Now of course, this terrified me. I began to wonder if God allows things to happen that are not what he ultimately wants for us. And so after worrying about it for a week or so, I finally asked some friends here what they think, and of course, that's a question you only ask when you in the middle of wondering about something personal. So they asked me what was going on. It was a good conversation. One of the women, P Awe, recently came back from her time as a missionary in Vietnam. And another, a leader in the church, was telling me about how most of the church members including her though that P Awe was not listening to God when she was talking about going. They thought that God wanted her here because Thailand also has great needs and her gifts could be used here. But P Awe continued to feel that God wanted her abroad. So she went, and in her time away, the hearts of those against it began to soften. They told me, "If God told you, then it doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense to others. In fact, it probably won't make sense to a lot of others." And that was a comforting thought. All my questioning ceased. I know I prayed about it a lot before coming. I know I asked for signs and for confirmation over and over. And I know He opened the door. So I will take another friend's advice: "If you think you're supposed to be in Thailand, be in in Thailand," meaning I should stop wondering about what I could be doing at home. I need to be present here. Whether or not I know my purpose.

Second, I learned a lot about emotions. I read through a blog series entitled "Are Women Crazy?" It gave me a lot to think about. She reminds that though emotions are God-given, anything not done in faith is sin. So when we have these major reactions that are not proportional to the circumstance, we need to check what is actually going on. When we have an abundance of negative emotions (or positive or a lack of emotions), they can point to our finding security in something other than Christ. For example, when someone finds their security in their job or in what people think of them, and then something goes wrong at work or they get rejected by someone, it becomes a bigger issue than it really is because it is actually shaking the foundation of who they've built themselves up to be. But when we instead measure our worth and find our value in Christ, these little mishaps will be just that and no more. That was a really good lesson for me to learn, because in December my emotions were out of control. Since I read this series, I've been examining my reactions to things, and I'm glad to say that I'm getting better. Then, I began re-reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (I highly recommend it). It's the women's version of John's Wild at Heart for men. It was good to be reminded (after going through the other series) that our emotions are a reflection of who God is. He gave us emotions because he also feels. Our emotions can point to God's glory (when they are not misguided). So it's not crazy for me to cry when I am passionately praying for people. It's actually a beautiful thing to be moved by Him. It's a little glimpse into his heart. So yea, learning a lot about emotions.

Third, and one of those most beautiful things I can praise him for this month, is healing. I've been able to spend a lot more time with him lately. More consistently. In December, I read My Utmost for his Highest everyday, but I neglected to open the Word on my own. I didn't have any prayer time. January was a great time of getting back on track and spending quality time with my Maker in both prayer and reading the Word. It is healing for a downcast spirit. Not only that, but there was major healing in my life. Many of you know I was severely hurt last year. Severely hurt. Emotionally. I was still carrying around this hurt after a year. Last week, I knew that my exboyfriend and his new fiancee would be coming to Thailand. I knew I would not see them, and yet the Sunday before their arrival date found me with so much anxiety. A complete lack of peace. And so in my cell group we prayed about it, and I felt lighter. And for the next few days, I actually forgot they were coming! And then the day before their arrival, I remembered. And I didn't care. The next day I knew they were coming, and I didn't care. I actually said a prayer for their team. For the first time in over a year, he had no effect on my peace and my joy. I'm over it. I have finally lain aside the baggage. I've given it up. I've chosen what is Better. I cannot even begin to tell you how much lighter I feel. I'm free. And it's so beautiful.

Fourth (man, January was quite the month), I was approached by someone on the church board about an English service they are putting together. P Awe, the one I mentioned before, is in charge of the worship team and I have been asked to join! Though I have some reservations about such a tiny church trying to have two services, I am excited to be a part of this process. This Sunday on our way to cell group, my cell leader pointed out that maybe this was an answer to prayer. Maybe this was part of my purpose for being in Thailand. That was a crazy thought! It is my not-too-oft-spoken dream to lead worship around the world. Though in my head that dream come true looks a lot like joining Hillsong, this would also fall under that banner. And guess what? Today P Awe asked if I would lead next Sunday, our first ever English service. Talk about an amazing opportunity! Please pray for this service, that God would have his hand on it in a mighty way, that those who are dedicating themselves to putting this service on would find growth and encouragement, and also to hear clearly form God about what he wants us to do. I have no idea what music to do yet, because the music here is about.. 50 years old. The worship team at this moment will be P Awe, myself, and my roommate Heide. It's going to be great to be able to worship together in a language we both understand.

Lastly, this is a new prayer request. My term at my school is almost up, and though I have (mostly) enjoyed working with those kindergarteners, I really would like to teach an older age group. And I would like a commute that is less than an hour. I hate waking up at 5:30. It's really brutal. But I need to begin searching for another job so that I can have something in place before my visa expires next month. Please please be in prayer for that process!


Thank you for your continued prayers and support as I'm all the way over here. I hope and pray that God is blessing you and growing you as he is me. May we all continue together.

Amen.