Discouraged.

Currently I feel pretty lonely. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with my questioning. What am I doing here, God? Recently we've started up an English service at our church, which I was very excited about. I was even asked to lead worship on the first day. And I thought I was being a good leader, sending out a Facebook message to the two others at the beginning of the week with what I thought would be the songs for Sunday. And we met Thursday to practice, and that went fairly well. They still didn't really know the new songs, but it was only a day or two after I showed them. And then Sunday when we come early to practice, nothing is set up and everyone is doing other things and people came to "help" and were fooling around with instruments and I had to get chords printed up because that wasn't taken care of by the person  in charge. When we finally got to practice, like 30 minutes before service was to start, it turns out the two had neither practiced nor even listened to the new songs on their own. I was SO frustrated. Not to mention the equipment didn't work properly. This was NOT like leading worship at home. I was frustrated and I think everyone could tell. I knew I needed to let go, but I didn't know how. I told my roommate that I needed prayer. I told another woman I trust deeply that it was so hard and I was frustrated and I needed God to change my attitude. And he did. Worship was fine. He was there. Was it perfect? No. But that's okay. 

This week, I was just going to sing, but didn't go to the first rehearsal on Tuesday because it was Valentine's day and I had a date! :) But when I came on Thursday, it felt like everything was already taken care of. The American girl who is here for two months is a perfectly capable singer and also plays piano. My roommate plays guitar. They had one guy lead and 3 girl singers. Why was I there? I felt discouraged yet again. Oh yea, and the last mic they had for me was battery-less. So it really was like I was useless. Then Friday night was the Thai service. And I went and sat alone. And no one sat by me. And I thought to myself, Doesn't anyone here love me? And someone got up to give their testimony and used John 21, "If you love me, feed my sheep." I've been asking God to show me what real love is. And this struck me. "Feed my sheep." But God, I have no sheep. There is no one in my care here. God how can I feed sheep I don't have? Who are the sheep you've entrusted in my care? Is there anyone?? It was all I could do to keep from crying in the middle of service. How could I show my love if I couldn't feed sheep? 

A few hours after service I went with two other cell groups on a camping trip. I was invited by the guy I'm dating and his friend. And my roommate would be there, too, so I figured, "Sweet! I finally get to leave Bangkok!" But it turned out to be so lonely for me. I felt like I didn't fit in. It turns out that something I said in my brokenness early on in the trip really hurt the guy, so then he ignored me the whole time we were there. It was truly a lonely time. But I had a lot of time to think.. I realized I have this great need to be needed. I find my worth in being useful. Not in Jesus. And I remembered that God doesn't need me. He doesn't need me at all. He can do anything he wants without my help. But he wants me. That was such a beautiful and freeing thing to realize. When we got back, I was able to go to worship to offer my gift, not because it was needed, but because he wanted it. And then I was asked to open one of the songs. Talk about blessings. When I gave up my need for usefulness, I was suddenly necessary. haha God is funny. 

And then yesterday and today, in the span of 24 hours, I called the airline over 30 times, trying to change my flight. I am scheduled to take off on the 22. If I don't get through in just a few hours tomorrow morning, I forfeit my flight and will have to pay for a return on my own with money I currently don't have. How can a business have its phone line be busy EVERY TIME someone calls? I don't know what to do. I have a very small window tomorrow to get through. Please pray.

Also, be praying for locating a new job. I have told my school that I am not interested in teaching kindergarten again. I have applied to two places, but I won't know anything for a while, I don't think. 

And be praying for my relationships here. That God would move in them and through them. I desire to be known and understood, but I don't have that yet here. And it gets lonely. 

Alright, I'm out.