Grace

This was a hard summer. Not like last year's hard. That was hard because I had zero experience and zero confidence in myself. This year was a whole other ball game. I can't go into all of it, but as with everything, some weeks were harder than other. Sometimes it was the work itself that was difficult; other times, life outside of trip leading was pressing in on me, making it difficult to lead well. Over the next few weeks, I hope to unpack for you (and for me) some of that stuff. Currently it's all balled up inside me and I have no idea how to express anything. My hope is that writing will help unload some of that burden. So I'll just dive into the first post, which should actually be the last post, because it's the last thing that happened this summer.


Grace. Getting what we don't deserve.

Like I said, it was a hard summer. I was a bit bitter as I made my way to the airport Saturday morning. I checked in for my flight and was given my tickets. First one had me sitting in 30D at the very back of the plane. My second flight would have me in the middle at row 20. I had secret hope that because I was flying Copa, I might get bumped up to business class. After all, it was a hard summer, and I deserved it. And as to be expected, I flew out of Costa Rica in seat 30D. I figured it was because there wasn't a whole lot of time after I checked in to have them bump me up. It was only an hour or so. Maybe since I was checked in early for my flight from Panama, I would be moved up.

And I arrived in Panama. I glanced down at my ticket to see which gate I'd be leaving from.. and there was no sign for gate 9 anywhere. So I looked at the board that lists departing flights. 31. Ok, so maybe since my ticket was wrong, they'll have a new one for me when I get there and it will have my business class seat. (My thought processes.) I get to my gate and they briefly look at my ticket and then I go through a second security check. Normal. Now when I've had upgrades before they end up calling my name either over the speaker or someone from the airline approaches me. So I sit and wait. And I pull out my book. It's nearly time to board, and they call a few names over the loud speaker. Mine is not one of them. I inwardly try to rebuke myself for thinking I deserved something. So many times recently, I've been confronted by my own sense of entitlement. I don't deserve it. And how dare I even think of getting frustrated with God for not doing what I wanted. He doesn't owe me anything. Man. How messed up was I? I finally talked myself off of my high horse as they started boarding. Everything I experienced this summer is a part of life. It doesn't mean I should get any special treatment to "make up for it." So I hand the guy my ticket for my seat in 20D and head down the jetway, ready for a nap. Inner turmoil will make you tired.

Midway down the jetway, I hear my name, "Roberts, Tracy?" Umm yes? And he motions for me to come back. I follow him back to the counter and as he's doing something on the computer he tell me, "You have an upgrade."

Man. Imagine how I felt. I had just told God off for not giving me what I thought I deserved. Then I scolded myself for doing so. I pointed out all the errors in my attitude and set it right. I was ready to continue. Then what does God do? He blesses me anyways. When I was acutely aware of how little I deserved it. That is grace. I did not deserve that seat. I did not deserve that blessing, but that's who He is. That's what He does. I pray that in the future I would keep my perspective. I am little; He is big. I deserve nothing good, and yet He is the giver of all good things.

May it be the same for you, as well.

Throwback

Today I opened up my prayer journal to see where I was when it began. February 2013, when I began talk with PPM about full time ministry. How much has happened in a little over a year! I'm so grateful for the ways God was protected me, healed me, stretched me, grown me. My second entry in the journal is some lyrics, which is the main reason I wanted to post today. They are based on Matthew 14:28-31.

Keep your eyes on me Do not look away Keep your eyes on me I'll guide you in the way When the oceans roar And waves toss all around Keep your eyes on me I'll be your solid ground

Lord, if it's You, tell me and I'll come Lord, with You, the impossible is done Don't let me be afraid Keep me from my doubt Lord, give me faith to step out

This prayer still echoes in my heart today.