Questions

This is the post that I have been putting off, the one I don't want to write. It's the one that exposes my frailties and failure to trust in the God that has great plans for me. But life is not always rainbows and butterflies; sometimes it sucks. So here we go..

I kind of "dated" a guy in Costa Rica this year. We met in January and it ended in May because the distance was just too difficult. And when we served in his community this summer, that was my only stress point. I still cared for him very much so it was hard to be around him. I prayed about it with my assistant trip leader several times and had a handful of conversations with other trusted friends as well. "If it is God's will, it will happen." And it happened. And then 5 days later, it un-happened.

I was livid. Probably one of the times I've been most angry in my life. First with him, for making me look like a fool, for giving up so easily. Then I was angry with myself. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I opened myself up because I felt like it was from God, an answer to my prayers. Then my anger shifted to God. Why the heck did he let us get back together if it was only going to end a few days later?! I was just getting used to being friends. It was pointless and stupid, and I was so angry.

Internal dialogue as follow: Everyone always says I'm special, that I'm different, made for something more. Well I don't want to be special or different anymore. I just want to be happy. I just want someone to love me back. I thought this was from you, God. Why would you answer my prayer only to take it away? And if it wasn't from him, how could I have been so wrong? Do I really suck that much at hearing you? Guess I suck at everything. And you suck for giving and then taking it right back. What was the point?? I'm done. I don't care anymore. I don't want to do anything, see anyone, think or feel. Just make it all go away. 

There was more. There are words I don't normally use scribbled furiously in my prayer journal. My natural reaction to stress or overwhelming emotion is to cry. So I cried in anger all night. And I woke the next day and tried to hide it. But the tears came off and on all day. It sucked.

Then God brought me to Jonah 4. Jonah sits himself in view of Tarshish to watch its destruction, but it was hot. God caused a plant to grow up and provide shade and comfort. Then he sent a worm to eat it. And a hot wind to blow on Jonah as he sat. And Jonah was pissed.

Verse 9-10:

But God said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?" 

"I do," he said. " I am angry enough to die."

 But the Lord said, "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight."

Aka: What right do you have to be angry about a relationship I give to you for a week? I didn't have to give it to you at all. Ugh. It sucks to be rebuked. But then in the back of my mind, there was the voice that said I wish you wouldn't have.. And the questions start again. Vicious cycle.

In the middle of worse pain then mine, Job said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." In my own anger, I cursed at God. I was once again battling God for control of my life. I wanted things my way. Of course, I already knew I wasn't going to win. God would get his way-- he's God. It's useless to fight him. But maan.. to come face to face with the extent of your sinful attitudes and thoughts.. not fun.

I continued to battle with these things for the rest of the summer for a variety of reasons. Every time something didn't go my way, it was all brought up again. Even now God is working to remove these parts of me. But more on this later. That post will be titled "Restoration."


So welcome to my life. It's messy. I'm sinful. And I have no right to speak to God that way. But something tells me I'm not the only one. And maybe if I can be open and vulnerable with my not-so-pretty/downright ugly parts, maybe someone else will see that in themselves, too, and then we can be honest about our shortcomings and seek God together. Maybe. I can only pray that he will use this post for his glory.

En Espiritu y En Verdad

So this summer, God challenged me to preach. Now speaking is not something foreign to me; I sometimes do the message for the high school ministry at my church. However, I have never preached a sermon for a whole church, let alone in another country. I was very nervous. I even called home to have my mommy pray for me.

Back story: Before the trip, Pastor Jesus asked me who would be preaching on Sunday for the two services. Actually, to be more honest he asked if I was going to preach on Sunday, which translated to me as "Who are you going to find, because if you don't find anyone, it's you." So I arranged that our bus driver for the week (another pastor friend) would deliver the Word. It turned out, though, that we had a staffing change and would have to find another speaker. That's when I contacted the group leader of the team who would be coming. He graciously agreed to do Sunday morning, and after I reminded him that the evening service would be at a different location, he said he would take care of that one as well. I was off the hook..

 ..Until Tuesday.

While driving to our ministry location, Pastor again asks me, "Who's preaching tomorrow?" At this point, since we have a great relationship, I say to him that we only discussed a guest preacher for Sunday, so HE would be the one preaching Wednesday. He just laughs and says, "No, I guess you get to!" Ha. No way. His church, he's preaching. But I ask him questions about the community, to know it better/in the back of my mind, forming ideas for a sermon because even though I've said no for the time being, that's just how I work. I don't say yes until I'm sure. Not with something like that. That night during devotional (I don't even remember exactly what it was on), I remember feeling this weight, like Okay, I'm preaching tomorrow, aren't I, God?

So all day Wednesday, I'm brainstorming and asking questions and letting Scripture come to mind. I found out that there was much duplicity in the church, that people weren't really living or walking in integrity. So that became a main component of my sermon.

I based my message on John 4:23-24, where Jesus says that God is seeking people to worship him in spirit and in truth. I talked about the freedom we find in the Spirit but that we shouldn't use it to satisfy our flesh (Gal 5:16-21) and that Satan uses our weaknesses to tempt us. And sometimes we try to justify our actions, but that cheapens grace (Rom 6:15). So how do we live well in the Spirit? We add in the truth part. We are to live one life, Sunday-Saturday, not one life at church, one life at home, one life at school/work. One life. (Gal 6:7-9). But how can we live one life? How do we get away from the sin that so easily entangles? We are transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:2). If we've given our lives to Christ, we are new creations (2 Cor 5:17). That's how we live in truth. We let God change us. And then as a check to see if we are living in Spirit and in Truth, we see fruit in our lives. We see love and joy and peace and patience, etc. And we seek to keep in step with the Spirit (Gal 5:22-25). I left them with 3 steps. 1) Commit yourself fully to God. No more double lives. 2) Ask the Spirit to cultivate in you the fruit of the Spirit and let him transform you. 3) Refuse to go back to the way things were.

Now my group told me that I did a great job, but I will never forget the look that Pastor had on his face. This was not at all the kind of sermon they were used to. Generally during service, they will read a short passage and hear a message based on one of those verses. I made them get out their Bibles (and if they didn't bring it, we passed them out) and flip to all of these verses. I had them read aloud, in both English and Spanish. Pastor's face said "What in the world are you doing??" To this day, I'm not sure what he thought of it, but it seemed to go over well with those who attended service. They even had a response time at the end, where they all prayed to rid the duplicity in their lives. I asked the sound guys to play a specific song that had a pre-chorus that matched my message. That pre-chorus says "I don't want to conform; I've tasted and I want more." And The chorus says "I want to fall more in love with you. Teach me how to love you and how to live. Mold me to your justice and your love. With my life I want to worship you. With all that I have and all I am, everything I've been I give to you. That my life would be for you, perfume at your feet."

I have no idea if Pastor will ever ask me to speak again, but here's that song I just told you about (ironically performed by a band called En Espiritu y En Verdad):