I kind of "dated" a guy in Costa Rica this year. We met in January and it ended in May because the distance was just too difficult. And when we served in his community this summer, that was my only stress point. I still cared for him very much so it was hard to be around him. I prayed about it with my assistant trip leader several times and had a handful of conversations with other trusted friends as well. "If it is God's will, it will happen." And it happened. And then 5 days later, it un-happened.
I was livid. Probably one of the times I've been most angry in my life. First with him, for making me look like a fool, for giving up so easily. Then I was angry with myself. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I opened myself up because I felt like it was from God, an answer to my prayers. Then my anger shifted to God. Why the heck did he let us get back together if it was only going to end a few days later?! I was just getting used to being friends. It was pointless and stupid, and I was so angry.
Internal dialogue as follow: Everyone always says I'm special, that I'm different, made for something more. Well I don't want to be special or different anymore. I just want to be happy. I just want someone to love me back. I thought this was from you, God. Why would you answer my prayer only to take it away? And if it wasn't from him, how could I have been so wrong? Do I really suck that much at hearing you? Guess I suck at everything. And you suck for giving and then taking it right back. What was the point?? I'm done. I don't care anymore. I don't want to do anything, see anyone, think or feel. Just make it all go away.
There was more. There are words I don't normally use scribbled furiously in my prayer journal. My natural reaction to stress or overwhelming emotion is to cry. So I cried in anger all night. And I woke the next day and tried to hide it. But the tears came off and on all day. It sucked.
Then God brought me to Jonah 4. Jonah sits himself in view of Tarshish to watch its destruction, but it was hot. God caused a plant to grow up and provide shade and comfort. Then he sent a worm to eat it. And a hot wind to blow on Jonah as he sat. And Jonah was pissed.
Verse 9-10:
But God said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?"
"I do," he said. " I am angry enough to die."
But the Lord said, "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight."
Aka: What right do you have to be angry about a relationship I give to you for a week? I didn't have to give it to you at all. Ugh. It sucks to be rebuked. But then in the back of my mind, there was the voice that said I wish you wouldn't have.. And the questions start again. Vicious cycle.
In the middle of worse pain then mine, Job said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." In my own anger, I cursed at God. I was once again battling God for control of my life. I wanted things my way. Of course, I already knew I wasn't going to win. God would get his way-- he's God. It's useless to fight him. But maan.. to come face to face with the extent of your sinful attitudes and thoughts.. not fun.
I continued to battle with these things for the rest of the summer for a variety of reasons. Every time something didn't go my way, it was all brought up again. Even now God is working to remove these parts of me. But more on this later. That post will be titled "Restoration."
So welcome to my life. It's messy. I'm sinful. And I have no right to speak to God that way. But something tells me I'm not the only one. And maybe if I can be open and vulnerable with my not-so-pretty/downright ugly parts, maybe someone else will see that in themselves, too, and then we can be honest about our shortcomings and seek God together. Maybe. I can only pray that he will use this post for his glory.
2 comments:
Tracy, you are not alone. :) I had a similar thing happen to me years ago. I had a crush on a guy from church, and I kind of knew he liked me. I prayed that if it was God's will, that he would pursue me. A short time later, he did! I was elated. He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. Then, a week later (just like your story!), he said he had been too hasty and wanted to be friends. THEN, a week after that (a day after my birthday), he called to tell me he was praying about another girl!! The nerve!
I hear ya, girl.. life is confusing and messy and it hurts. Sending hugs and prayers your way!
~Erin
Oh yah.. and then like your story, too... a couple months after that, we started spending time together again. After a few weeks, I knew God was prompting my heart to spend time with Him. At the time, to my dismay, God let me know His plan was for me to not be with this guy. It hurt, I didn't like it, but I yielded to His design.
And years later.. I am sooooo happy!!! :) God met me, and still does. Life will ease and you'll find beauty in the mess. I know it hurts.. keep clinging to Him. One thing I wrestled with was the need to figure it all out.. to back track and find out what I did wrong. God gently let me know I needed to "forget what was behind and push on to what is ahead".
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