Thailand.

Okay. It's been a while. Over a year in fact. A wonderful hellish year full of the most ups and downs I've probably ever experienced. So now begins the blog for the next trip in life. Wednesday I leave for Thailand. And I can't even begin to describe how I feel about it. But I'll try for your sake (and probably my own).

I have no idea what to expect. It's probably best this way because I started the whole experience with expectations and have only been let down. So you're with me, I'll start at the beginning:

Last September (or October?) I applied to co-lead a team to Thailand because I felt God leading me to. I was so excited to meet my co-leader and interview and form a team and all become close as we set off for a new adventure in ministry. I pictured the team being close and that my co-leader and I would be completely balanced and work together perfectly. As you can probably tell from this set up, that is not at all how things have gone. I won't go into all the details, but I am going into this trip feeling totally unprepared, un-united as a team, not viewed at all as a leader, and I feel as if I have nothing to offer. I know that is the perfect place to be for God to step in and use me and the team for his glory. But I also recognize that these are the same feelings I had the first time I went to Argentina. Satan convinced me I was useless and completely debilitated me and kept me from serving to my fullest potential.

I won't lie. I am terrified. What worries me most is that I have no idea what we're getting into and that our team hardly knows or even cares for each other. That is not how mission teams are supposed to be. I struggle with my role in leadership and my purpose in even going. I find myself not even spending time in the Word and in prayer, actively preparing my heart and mind for this journey. This is probably the worst idea, but I don't know how to force myself to do. And I should never have to force myself. I should want to. UGH what is wrong with me?!

So I'll try to be updating this thing while I'm away, but if I can't, PLEASE PLEASE pray your little hearts out for me. I need it more than you know.