Return!

It's official! I have a plane ticket to Thailand for the 28th of September! That gives me a little over a month to raise some mulah. Now God give me the motivation to do it!

Trust

Today I was reading a news article that made me think of a friend's sad tale. Then in the middle of it, I stopped and thought, "What if everything he told me is a lie?" It certainly wouldn't be the first time.. In fact, I am known to buy any tale because I choose to believe the best in people. Why would they lie?

I realized I am more hurt than I ever thought I was. The injury inflicted on my heart, soul, and ego are more that I would have dared to imagine. Sure, there are days that I'm fine. There are days when I don't think about it. And life goes on. But then there are days when it hits me. Like the air has been knocked out of me and I struggle for something to hold onto so I don't crumple to the floor. Days like this one where everything begins to spins around me and I forget who I can trust.

It sucks. And it's scary. And it makes me want to cry. And it brings me back to the one question that I just need to be okay without an answer to: "If you loved me, why did you lie?"

Snag.

UGH. So I've hit a snag in Project: Return to Thailand. A lovely couple had offered me their home rent-free for 3 months, which is an AMAZING blessing. BUT I learned today that I would not be allowed to stay with them if I am volunteering at the ministry because it's "culturally inappropriate." But the funny thing is.. the woman is Thai. I don't think she would offer if it were culturally inappropriate.

My new options are:

1) Don't stay with my friends and have to raise $500 more in a month and a half.
2) Stay with my friends but don't volunteer with the ministry, but look for jobs anyways and hang out with my old students and continue to do ministry that way. But I dont really think I can ask people to support me if I'm not connected to a ministry..
3) Just was brought up.. I can stay with my friends and look for another ministry to volunteer with??

I need guidance because this news totally throws a wrench in my plans!! :(

PRAY PRAY PRAY!!

Too much.

First off, let me apologize for not having done a better job at blogging while in Thailand. Actually, I pretty much did a miserable job.. So let me fill you in on the highlights of the trip:

The ministry we did was incredible. It was so easy, yet so fulfilling. One of the guys on my team taught level 4, in which the students have 1-on-1 interviews with the teacher about everything they've learned about Jesus. During one of his interviews, one person chose to become a Christian!! That was so awesome! And during that same week, we worked hard to prepare for "Friendship Friday," the once a month evangelistic service that teachers are really supposed to encourage students to come to. As an even bigger draw, Loly and I were asked to join the worship team for the night, which means we had to learn to sing in Thai. We definitely weren't the best, but it was so fun learning and spending time with them, and we got to tell our students to come.. so that they could laugh at our attempt! :) After that, she, Grace (another short-termer) and I played and sang In Christ Alone for the offertory. It was fun! And THEN after that, our team (plus some other foreigners) had practiced hard to put on the well-known skit to Everything by Lifehouse (if you don't know it, look it up.. or find it on my facebook!). It was a very emotional skit.. and two of Loly's students made decisions to follow Christ!! It was seriously one of the most beautiful moments I've experienced. The weekend that followed was consumed by English camp, which was a lot of fun, but more than that.. it was interesting that it was there that many people realized how intelligent I am? I think that sounds strange over a blog, but because of that time, many people mentioned to me about my intellect. And the Monday that followed.. I went out to breakfast with my morning class and one of my students told me so. He said (more or less) that he could tell I am smart because of the way I look around and observe. He can tell by the way I spend time in observation, I think... But the only reason I say that is because he followed up that comment with a question... "Do you trust God?" I think maybe because he respects my intelligence, he figures I wouldn't put my trust in something stupid.. but maybe I read too much into it. Previously it seemed like he mocked Christianity.. so that question completely took me by surprise.. And after that, it seemed like we were very good friends.. and he even left work early on my last day so that he could come to my goodbye party. I think maybe he loved me most. And I think God's not done with him yet.. So be praying. :)

And now for how God worked in my life.. When I went, I was unsure of everything.. to the point of having no desire to go. What I really wanted was to stay home and get a jump start on finding a job and a place to live. But I knew I needed to go, so I went. You saw some of that in the posts. And you saw the redemptive conversation I had with the Filipina missionary about missions and my GLT experience. In the following weeks, I got to be support for 2 members of my team and another short termer. The four of us became super close and I knew that was why God had me there. Sure, there were days that I felt like I didn't belong there and felt unconnected to Thais, but these friends assured me that if nothing else, I was meant to be there for them. Speaking of the unconnected thing.. I felt REALLY unconnected to the Thais.. even though we hung out with a few.. I didn't feel supported or anything by the staff. I was jealous that my friends were so loved by them and that I felt they didn't care at all about me. It took me until the last week when one of my friends said he loved me for me to realize that I don't LET people love me. Our very last weekend there was one where I was trying to figure that out. I think it's a reaction to the hurt from the last relationship I was in. I was unconsciously keeping people at an arm's length, because it's too hard to let people in. And on my very last day, I told my small group at the church, and they wanted to pray over me. And as I let them love me this way, I found that I loved them so much more. For the whole trip, I had been indifferent as to whether I stayed or left (my whole team did NOT want to go hom.. and I didn't care), but suddenly.. I also didn't want to go. I needed to stay to start these relationships again in a REAL way. And then the rest of the night was spent with friends and it was such a joy. I really did not want to say goodbye. And now since I've been home.. I've really felt like I need to go back. So currently, that is what I am trying to do. My goal is to leave at the end of next month (that is so soon!!! agh!!) so that I can teach at Santisuk for the October and November sessions. During that time I'll be looking for a teaching job in Bangkok for the next year. I can't believe it sometimes.. After Argentina I said never again, not alone. But I wouldn't be alone. Not if I let people love and support me. 

The big hurdles to go going back are raising enough money to support me for 3 months before I get a job and then getting the visa situation worked out. PLEASE pray for these things. (And if you want to give me money, please do!)

Thanks so much for sticking with me through the whole story and loving me in spite of the fact that I'm terrible at keeping a blog. I promise that when I go back, I'll be much better! (I'll bring my own computer!)

I love you too much. So much. Very much right now. ;) 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0q1UBc32RwE