Broken and Lonely

I feel lonely. Maybe that's just how it is right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I ended the relationship I was in because I just didn't think it was healthy or good for me to even be in a relationship at this time. I felt awful about hurting him, and now we hardly have a friendship. And it sucks cuz he was one of the few people I hung out with. I think maybe people at the church always assumed I was with him, because no one ever invited me to do anything with them. And now that this relationship is over, I notice that more than ever. Especially with the big New Year holiday coming up. Many of my friends are going to the States for the first time. Others have already made their plans and didn't think to invite me, as they probably assumed I would be with my guy. But now I'm afraid I'll be alone. And it's my fault for having jumped into a relationship anyways, especially since I was unsure and broken from the last one. I had no business doing so and it only caused pain, for him and for me.. 

It's been nice for the last couple of months to have a young American couple here to hang out with. When we went to Cambodia, I realized it'd been a long time since I really laughed a lot. Laughter is the best medicine. But they are leaving next week. Luckily a girl my age arrived while we were gone. It's been nice having her here and we connected right away. I'm excited to get to know her more, but I'm also a little afraid of what it will be like when her friend also comes to teach in May. Will I be left again? I've realized it's just not the same when you spend all your time with people who have English as their second language. Humor is different. And as much as I enjoy time with them, I don't laugh as much. And people here don't really hug. I miss hugs. Hugs make me feel loved. It's hard when you barely have physical contact with people, especially when one of your love languages is physical touch. Or words of affirmation when people aren't as comfortable in your language. 

Today is hard. 

Maybe I need a Skype date with my parents. Last weekend was our friendship camp. The theme was "A Friend Who Knows Your Heart." I miss the people who know me, who know my heart.

On the bright side, one of my old students came to the camp and is really thirsty to know God. It's so exciting. This is why I came. I wanted to see God move, and He is. It excites me. Some days, like today, are just difficult.

I miss you.

Tracy