Processing: Me. (Part 1)

I learned a lot this summer. A LOT. About myself, leadership, Costa Rica, prayer, the Holy Spirit.. just to name a few. A lot of people I know who keep blogs have different series that they write about. I may give this a go. And by "may," I mean I will. So here's to Processing!

I don't even know where to begin. But I guess that's why it's so important to process everything I've done and learned this summer. I don't want to forget it! But I also don't want to keep those things private. I want to share what God is doing in my life in hopes that it will encourage you to look at what He's doing in your life! So here we go.

Me. I learned a lot about me. I suppose that's really broad and that each of these processing blogs will be about me, but I'm the one writing, so deal with it. :)

I don't trust easily. That's been brought to my attention several times this year. And maybe it's one of the reasons that God keeps telling me to simply trust him-- He knows my tendency to trust only myself.

Before I left for the summer I learned a song by Hillsong called Oceans. And the bridge of that song was my prayer over and over again:

Spirit lead me where my trust is without borders
Let me walk upon the waters wherever You would call me
Take me deeper than my feet have ever wandered
And my faith would be made stronger in the presence of my Savior

 "Where my trust is without borders." That's a huge thing for me to pray. If you sincerely pray that bridge, you are asking for some seriously growth. And as we all know, that growth never comes easy.

So going into the summer I had never led a PPM trip, and I'd only been on a total of 3. I was under spiritual attack that first week, causing me to distrust even my coworker who was with me. I felt isolated, and didn't trust anyone save for myself to get things done. This song came to me again as I sat watching the waves in a moment of brokenness.

The following week was WAY better, and I was forced to trust our contact in Costa Rica because only she knew the details of everything. And on my birthday (of all days) I was forced to trust my ATL (assistant trip leader) because I was so stressed out that my brain wasn't comprehending Spanish. She was more than capable of handling the situation, and for that I was grateful.

The third week, 3 of the staff from my first experience rejoined me, and I was faced with the fact that I knew they also distrusted my leadership. I was so stressed out by this that I finally confided in my two ATLs  from week 2. Breakdown #3. I waded out in the ocean because somehow I felt that's what I needed to do. And the words from the song came to me again. I should probably mention that the chorus is equally as impactful for me:

I will call upon Your name
And keep my eyes above the waves when oceans rise
My soul will rest in Your embrace
For I am Yours, and You are mine

After having prayed the bridge, it's so important to come back to this chorus because those waves WILL rise. We pray for growth, and then God gives us the opportunity to do so. But the beautiful thing is that we remember to call on His name and REST. Because we are his, and nothing will separate us from that love.

So back to the summer trust synopsis.. Week 4 ATLs: Jenny (Spanish speaker/lifesaver/trusted friend from weeks 2/3; Shelby and Luis (ATLs from week 1/3). This is the week we began to work together better (amen!). It was the week that Luis confronted me and told me that I needed to trust them more. It was the week in which I chose to be vulnerable and tell my staff some difficult parts of my life. Sure, it's easy for me to tell people facts about my life, but it's another thing to let people see how it affects me. But when I let down my walls, it was easier for me to see that they were there for me. And I trusted them more.

Week 7 brought 2 more ATLs in addition to Shelby and Luis. It was again difficult for me to trust new people, but it was a good thing I now trusted the first two! This was a week where I was spiritually attacked about judging others. Knowing that I needed to trust all of my staff, I went out with the new ATLs and shared how I was feeling. I knew I needed to be vulnerable. But I hate it. Breakdown #4. And the beautiful thing is that these two ATLs scooped me up and put me right back in the arms of my Savior. They prayed with me, spoke truth over me, encouraged me. It's how the body of Christ should be. But we must trust each other to get there.

Lastly, week 8. The final week. A crazy week where pretty much all of our plans fell through. The week where I had to trust that God's plan was better than mine. (See previous post.) And guess what? It was. And even in the confusion, I rested in His embrace. I knew it was going to be okay. For I am His, and He is mine.

Here it is (Spanish subtitles included!). Take a moment and rest and pray these words: