I am a sinner.

I have been confronted recently about how much I think of me. Everything revolves around me- what I do, what I think, who does or doesn't love me. Ugh. I am selfish, proud and impatient. If it doesn't concern me, I don't care.

That's disgusting and awful. And you know the worst part? I can't even grasp how true it is.

But God sees me through a rose-colored lens, well.. maybe it's more like blood-colored. Sure, he sees the not so pretty parts, but I am not condemned for my sins because Christ's blood covers me. And he is working in me to make me look more like him. That's why I can see these patterns. We're going to work on them together.

But in my pride and selfishness, I have a need for control. There are parts of me that maybe I still haven't given over completely to my Maker and my Healer. That's a scary thought. I want him to have all of me, but I don't know how to let go. And if I don't let go, can he do the work in me that he wants to do?

I am a sinner
If it's not one thing, it's another
Caught up in words, tangled in lies
But you are a Savior and you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful



Lord, help me to surrender my all to you. All the broken and hurting place that I've kept for myself. Take all my fears, take all my dreams. Fill the void with you. 

Did I Ever Tell You About the Time...

..when God healed people through me? I didn't? I missed that?! WELL, let me tell you now.

Flashback to a week off in Costa Rica this March. Ciri and I go to service at one of our partner churches. There is a guest speaker from New Mexico. He facilitates a time of healing at the end of the service. I feel weird. No because I don't think God heals people, because that would be silly. I feel weird because I've prayed for over 10 years for God to move through me in that way. Anyway, Pastor Gerardo says hi to us when the service is over. I say hi to a few more people. Ciri calls me over. Pastor Gerardo has just asked if we're free tomorrow because North American speaker needs a translator for the service tomorrow night in a city 2 hours away. I say sure, even though I'm reluctant. Why am I reluctant? Because I want to spend time with people where we are; because Ciri will be up in front with speaker while I sit by myself in a new place; because I can't send her off by herself and not feel like a completely jerk. We go. 

We end up going with Speakerman and guy from town who can show us the way. Cool. At least I won't be sitting alone when Ciri goes to translate. We meet the pastor and dine together, and I start to relax. I'm here now; I may as well enjoy it and get to know these people. We arrive at the church and wander up to the front, where visitors sit. In clear view of everyone. Worship starts, and I close my eyes to forget them all. We sing songs in Spanish that I know in English. I sing out because they are songs that are hitting home.. my attitude, my selfishness, my disbelief. Speaker comes over to Ciri and I and anoints our hands. He tells us that after praying for a bit, he knew he needed to do so because God would be healing people through us tonight. Oh, cool. --- Wait, what?! 

He goes on to ask us if we've ever laid hands on people. Not for healing! So he gives us a few pointers (questions to ask and such). All of a sudden, I have this opportunity to see God do through me exactly what I'd been praying for for years. And I'm SO nervous. My inner dialogue with God goes something like: Um. Okay. Well.. God.. I'm going to do it. So you're going to have to meet me here.. I'm going to do my best to trust you to do your part. But please do it, ok? And that's how it goes the whole time they are up giving the message. But all the while, I feel this warming sensation in my hands. 

Fast forward a bit. Speakerguy says it's time to come forward for healing, and he introduces his "prayer team" for the evening, aka Ciri and me. Okay, God, it's now or never! I'm trusting you to do this! And I approach the first person, asking where the pain was and praying over her. I ask her if it's better. I have no idea what she says! So I pray again and ask again.. I mean the music is going, so again I don't understand her response, but I make eye contact with Speaker and he gives me the nod to move on. I move over to a woman kneeling at the front of the stage. I ask her about her pain and lay my hand on her back/hips (where the pain is) and pray. I ask her if it's better, and it's still difficult to hear, but also she is sobbing and nodding.. so I take that as a sign that God did his thing. The third person I move over to is deep in prayer. I go to place my hand on her head to continue lifting her up, and SHE FALLS OVER! Remember when I had a conversation with God about this? (If you don't, go back and read this entry.) I was so in shock. But luckily a leader from the church was there to cover her with a blanket and continue prayer. I catch Speaker's eye. Later at second dinner he tells me that he had a hard time not laughing at the face I made when it happened. I can only imagine how shocked and surprised I was, not to mention that I immediately turned and walked away. I'm pretty sure that's not the appropriate reaction, but hey. It was the first time anything like that had happened to me! Correction: through me. 

Anyway, the night goes on in this sort of way, and afterwards, I can't help but feel this overwhelming joy at what I just witnessed/took part in. I told Speaker how I'd prayed so long for that gifting, and he said he believed I had it. We talked about the importance of remembering what God does and how the Israelites so often forgot. So here I am, writing it down for the world to celebrate and remember with me. 

Since then, my question has been Now what? How do I know when God wants to heal someone through me? All I can think up is that I need to continue learning to hear His voice, and He will make it clear. So that is my next step. Growing in intimacy with the Trinity and obeying when I am given direction. I mean, that's not easy, but that's what my goal is. And I know I'll never "get there," but I'm excited to grow in this way.

Lord, I want to know your voice. I want to become familiar with your whisper and your prodding. Make me sensitive to your Spirit. I pray this for all of us. Let us know you more and with growth in that knowing, let us obey. 

Five Minutes of My Day: Black is Beauty

Sitting here in Jamaica at my host home for the week. The little boy who lives here is named Damari. We were talking tonight, and I made a joke about coming home from the beach and being red instead of white. He suddenly got very seriously and said, "Black is beauty. Some people say that black is evil. But black is beauty." He went on to say that he knows many people who have tried bleaching their skin, but he likes his skin color. Damari is nine. My heart broke for all these kids growing up in a place where people believe that their skin color could be anything other than beautiful. I pray Damari can be an encouragement to those around him, and that he would never doubt that God created him and thinks he is beautiful.

5 Minutes of My Day

My friend and coworker Bethany Richardson has several different series that she does on her blog (which can be found here), one of which is called "5 Minutes of My Day." I thought I'd follow suit. It's a good way to give you a glimpse into my life and what I do when I'm on the field.

So here it goes!

5 Minutes of My Day

During trip set up this last time in Costa Rica, Ciri, Jacob, and I attended church service in Abangaritos. Towards the end of service, everyone was up in front, worshipping and praying and receiving the Holy Spirit. Several fell. I know this is called being "slain in the Spirit," but I confess I don't know much more than that. Jacob and I turned to look at each other; neither of us are familiar with this. But I won't be so quick as to say it's fake. I began to pray silently, "Lord, I don't understand. I want to understand how your Spirit moves." And I got a simple, yet humbling response: "You will never understand me. Stop trying." And immediately I knew that if I understood him, He would have a limit, able to be grasped by human intelligence. And then what kind of God would that be?

I'm so glad He's greater.

A Spin of the Globe: Big Smiles, Big Hugs, & Big Hearts

Hey guys! You know how I just got to do my first guest post? Well now I get to do my first guest host! Today we have the lovely Leah Laird sharing her heart for Belize. I haven't been there yet, but reading her thoughts make me want to go hug a Belizean child yesterday! Read on to see why she loves this country so much!

A Spin of the Globe is a series compiled by Praying Pelican Missions Mission Coordinators and Advocates. Within our individual blogging, most readers only get a narrow glimpse of PPM and our world-wide ministry. Between us bloggers, we realized we never speak much to countries we don’t have experience in – so we are Spinning the Globe. We hope through this series, you can experience another country within (and even outside) the world of PPM and get a taste for ministry that is unique and powerful, in every location. We pray you are blessed.  For more details about all of our domestic and international locations, go here: http://www.prayingpelicanmissions.org/mission-trip-locations

I'm not a mom. I'm not even close. But I think I know what it feels like. For the past 5 years as I've traveled down to Belize, I've come in contact with many different children. Some I've only been able to see for that one week, some for only a couple hours, and some I've had the privilege of seeing time and time again. People often ask me why I go back to Belize and then they remark on its natural beauty and how wonderful the weather must be and yes it is. But the natural beauty and the exceptional weather is only a bonus. The real reason I go back is for the people, the children.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

It doesn't matter where you find yourself in Belize, there are children everywhere. It doesn't matter who you are, they will come running to you with open arms. They come running up to you with the biggest smiles, the best hugs and the sweetest laughter. Sometimes you don't even have to say a word, they just want to sit in your lap, look at your camera, or if your a girl, braid your hair. I think they've taught me more about love then I have taught them. They show unconditional love. No questions asked. Some of my hardest moments on the mission field have been having to say goodbye to these precious children at the end of the week and entrust them to God. I spend the week pouring into them, telling them how much they are loved, helping them with their crafts, praising them for their efforts, and giving them the biggest hugs. It doesn't take long to become attached and when they run to you everyday and jump into your arms it takes even less time.  I have had so many wonderful moments with these children and I enjoy taking pride in them every chance I get. I love teaching them things and helping them. That's why I can only imagine that that is what a mom feels like. I don't plan on becoming a mom for a long while but I don't mind playing mom and I feel privileged that God has allowed me the opportunity to love on some of his most precious children. 

If you have only experienced the natural beauty of Belize you have not experienced it at all. Until you get to hold a little two year old girl in a cherry print dress and sing, line by line, Jesus Loves Me for an hour and a half while she repeats you, you have not truly experienced Belize. Belize is so much more than the tropical rain forest, the deep blue waters, and the delicious foods. It's a beautiful country full of some of the most beautiful souls you will ever meet. Come with me and meet the real Belize. 

First Guest Post!

The other Missions Coordinators and Missions Advocates and I are doing a series called A Spin of the Globe. We recognize that you get to hear a lot about our individual areas of service, but not a great deal about what's going on in other locations. So we're swapping stories! I got to post on Denny's blog the other day.. Check it out!

http://dennymeints.wordpress.com/2014/02/21/glimpse-into-costa-rica-a-spin-of-the-globe/

Pieces.

It's hard to be Missions Coordinator. Not for any requirement of the job, although that can be difficult at times, too. What I'm talking about is hard to describe. For those of us assigned to ministry in specific countries, we end up spending a LOT of time there. We come to know the people and pastors and churches really well. It becomes a little bit like home. Or a lot like home. And then we return to the States. And a little piece of us stays.

Or depending on the connections we've made, many pieces stay.

We return with hearts so full from the blessings we've received and witnessed, from the ways we've seen God move in us and through us and in/through our teams and in/through the churches there. And yet as we are so full, our hearts are also fragmented. We ache for what we've just left behind.

We live in two worlds (and sometimes more!). There are few of us who can make our two lives one. Most of us have a hard time sharing one part of our life with the other. It takes words I don't have to make people understand how I feel. I can't explain life in the States to my friends in Costa Rica. People here in the States can hardly grasp what I'm talking about even though I'm not limited with my English vocabulary. It's hard to accurately describe the feelings that are stuck inside. As a result, I often times feel like no one understands me completely. And as a human, I long to be known completely and loved completely.

And I am. But I have to remember to look to the One who does. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to be understood by my earthly companions, but the truth is, even the closest person would never understand everything. And that longing to be known is supposed to drive us to the One who knows.

Lord, thank you for the small reminders that say, "I have not forgotten you." Thank you for knowing me and understanding me, and loving me still. Even when you can see all the dirt beneath what I try to present as a squeaky clean exterior. God, draw me to you when my heart feels isolated and disconnected. I don't want to look in other places. Spirit, move in ways that I could never imagine to connect both parts of my life. Because only YOU can. Thank you for the blessing that this job is, for the ways I get to see you move in your global kingdom, for reminding me through the longing that YOU are the One who knows me.