so much.

So it's been well over a week since I've written. After break, I've got to get back into the habit of updating regularly. Well Tuesday after I last wrote was uneventful. Internship days usually are. But Wednesday we left for our wilderness retreat as a class. It was so good for bonding us all together as friends instead of just classmates. After we played at the beach for a while, we went and set up our campsite and then had 2.5 hours of solitude. For mine, I simply wandered around the campground, sitting at different campsites for periods of time. The most memorable part was when I sat down at a random campsite to write down something I had just thought of. I looked up from writing only to find in the fire pit a fire that had not been there previously. It was no burning bush, but I'm not going to lie, I felt a little bit like Moses. And so I took my shoes off (Holy ground, right?). But I sat staring at the flames, and suddenly realized that God can do anything (i.e. pulling fire out of thin air). And recently I've been really wondering about my dreams, and I asked God if He could even make that happen. And he told me to trust him. And for me, that's difficult, because everything in society has conditioned me to believe that it's virtually impossible to somehow make it there. When Emily picked me up on Friday, we discussed this. Why is it that we have our dream jobs but also jobs that we know are realistic? We talk about how if we just settle for our second choice it's like saying, "Here's what I want to do, but I don't trust God to get me there, so here's what I'm going to do through my own power." I feel horrible that I ever doubted God's power. But I've had so much confirmation since then. Sunday I was able to lead worship at Grace again. For the first time since last Spring. And I felt so at home leading worship. And even though I messed up a lot, no one seemed to notice. And I heard later that at home in Bakersfield, the high school group played my song in worship. I wrote it while I was in high school, and had completely forgotten it since. But the only person who had led it up until this point was Dino, my high school pastor, who also helped write it. But the part that hit me the most was that a girl named Megan, who I used to be pretty close to, approached my mom afterwards and told her that she was in charge of picking songs and chose mine because it was one of her favorites. When I heard this, I teared up. Because it seemed to me that my dream is not as far out of reach as I had assumed. God showed me that if I trust him, He will use me. Since Friday, I've just been hanging out at APU basically. I went home Monday afternoon and Tuesday for an eye appointment. I got new glasses. :) I like them, but apparenty my left eye sucks major.
Today and yesterday were interesting. I have randomly been reliving my past life. Today I feel like I'm missing pieces of a complete me. Usually, I'm pretty okay with being single. But today, I long for someone to love me and to love someone else. I miss that. Also, when I listen to music, part of me actually NEEDS to be in it. I long with my whole being to sing. So I'm missing two big important parts. Love and music.
Maybe tomorrow, I'll be better.
TJ