Cutting It Close.

So today I went to Maranata for a final time to say goodbye (and get all my paperwork signed and such!). I learned yesterday that Americans are terrible with goodbyes. We say the words once, then we hug and we're out. Here, people say goodbyes for a week or more! So I'm glad I got to go back. Upon seeing me, Beatriz jumped up and shouted "NOOOOOO!!!" like she couldn't believe I was standing there. And Carla came out and when she hugged me, she immediately started crying. It was one of those days. "Those days" in Maranata speak means that the person wants to give up and leave. And speaking of leaving.. Ivana, the youngest (17) and the one who named her baby after me, gave up. The girls told me that Thursday after I left and after all the festivities of Nadia's birthday, Ivana up and left. That made me sad. It felt kind of like a defeat, even in the midst of celebration with all the girls today. But when I gave them their new Bible and the Battlefield of the Mind books, they were so excited! I'm pretty sure after I left, they would come back from taking their medication and begin reading all of it together. They were so happy they would potentially be able to understand God's word! And that made me happy. So happy.


What also made me happy is that Daniela called. We have a date with the barrio toba tomorrow night at 6. Talk about cutting it close! But God is a God of his word, and when we trust him, he pulls through (and usually surpasses our expectations, so I'm hopping these interviews will give me EXACTLY what I need). And I think I can get it. If I can get Daniela to transcribe all the interviews, I can possibly get someone else to translate them. That way she isn't buried in work, and I can still get what I need.


We have a good God, no? Be praying for Ivana.

Two

Two days til take off, and today it hit me. That moment when everything finally clicks, and I know I could be happy here. It came in the form of a funny feeling inside me, all squirmy and such when I think about leaving. Yesterday in saying all my goodbyes, I wasn't sad. I didn't form friendships deep enough (language barrier) to really be at a loss in leaving. (And I also figured I'd come back at some point to visit.)

When people asked if I was ready to leave, it was always yes. Yesterday I was also asked if I wanted to stay, and inside I was saying no but aloud I said yes. I was telling people I had a mix of feelings so that they didn't feel bad when I wanted to leave. But today, I really feel that mix of emotions. Actually today, I mostly want to stay.

This whole trip, I always felt the longing for home, and now that I'm two days away from leaving, a large part of me wants to stay.

Somehow in this time, I found a place here. Sure, friendships weren't very deep. But I'm at the point now, where I am starting to feel connection to these people. And now I'm leaving. Perhaps this is why our advisor suggests GLTs of 6-7 months. Because it takes 3.5 to begin to feel at home.

Whoever thought that it'd change just like that? Or maybe that squirmy feeling is uncertainty about being home. How will I feel? Will everything be different? Can I finish all my work in time and then start school again?

I have a feeling it's going to be a very difficult adjustment, and that, I did not anticipate.

Also, two days, and I still haven't been to the barrio again. Please God? I figure You're trying to teach me patience and reliance, but does it really have to be down to the wire?


Pray hard for these interviews to work out.

Carta

When I said my goodbyes at Maranata, Carla, one of the newer entries, gave me a letter. I will translate for you:

TRACY-

God put you in my life and you brought me his word. I thank you with all my heart for doing this and thanks to you, today I know how to read the Bible and ever time I read the Bible, I going to think of you. Of your sweetness and of your beautiful way of being.

I love you so much and God is going to bless you all your life for the help you offer from the heart.

Perhaps I will not see you again, but for our goodbye, it is an "hasta siempre" (until forever) because God in his kingdom will return to us and bring us together and you can sing to me again like you did in this time.

May God grant that you form a family and are very happy,

I love you so much!

Carla.

And this is a girl who entered Maranata towards the beginning of August, so I've only known her a few weeks. 

Today I went to the only Christian bookstore in Rosario and bought the women a Bible to share, with study notes at the bottom to help them understand more. Also, I picked up a couple copies of Battlefield of the Mind, by Joyce Meyer, except in Spanish. I only thought of that part this morning because Martin showed me his copy. I figured it might help them to read through it together. I certainly hope so. 

Now that I've gotten a goodbye gift for them, I need to think of one for my family, who has been more than gracious to have me in their home for so long. I've been trying to think of something, but it all just escapes me. I can't think of anything they need. All I can think of is to take them out to dinner. Any ideas?

Keep praying on those toba interviews, time is running out..

se.ven.days.

7 days. That's all that remains. Oh yea, and sorry about not updating soon after the last post. I admit it was pretty depressing.

All is well. I finished up at Maranata and said my goodbyes to the women. Most of us cried. One girl I kind of taught how to read the Bible, and she told me that every time she touches a Bible, she's going to remember me. Another said that I am a person of peace and sweetness and then when I am at Maranata, everything is so calm and my nature rubs off on people. They each took turns saying something to me. I wrote them all letters. And then I left. Except I have to go back Monday to get my paperwork signed because my supervisor left early yesterday for a trip and won't be back til Monday. But I didn't tell them that. I just figured I'd let it be.

I have yet to go to the barrio toba again. Time is running short. But I'm not anxious. I know somehow it'll all get done. Even the translation of the book I'm waiting on.

I found out two days ago that no one would be waiting for me in the airport to take me home. I would have to take the bus 2 hours from the airport to Bakersfield. After a 19 hour trip already. I cried a bit. So much for love, right? BUT yesterday my wonderful friend Alicia told me she'd pick me up and take me home. I am SO grateful for her. I told my mom this, she said that she was going to try to catch a ride with a friend and surprise me. It was a wonderful idea, but that wouldn't have worked out so well, because none of my friends were going to be there! Haha. Oh, my life. But I'm so very excited to go home soon. Today we were taking pictures at Maranata, and in each photo, I realized just how round my face has gotten, and I am not pleased. I know I'll lose a lot of weight going back home, just because I won't be eating as much bread and red meat, but still. Ugh. I'm not a fan of tight pants and round faces. :/

But have I said I'm excited to go home? Because I am. Very.

I'm also very sure I'll miss it here. I learned to live a different kind of life. One with more simplicity and without all the luxuries that I had believed to be necessities. Granted, I will probably get home and do everything that I wouldn't normally do, just to try and jump in to life back at home. For example, I really want a massage. I've only received one professional massage in my life, but I really want one when I get home. That's really the only thing, but still. It's there.

I realized today that I've changed a lot. Just how I've changed, I don't yet know, but I know I have. Do you ever feel that way? I'm sure I'll either figure it out as I keep living or people will help me by telling me, but either way, realization will come.


I appreciate every prayer, really. In this moment I feel an incredible peace. I know everything will get done and turn out okay because God is good. And that never changes.

Up & Down

Well, just a few days after such a high experience, I return to being so lonely I want to cry. These next two weeks cannot go fast enough. I've lost all motivation to do any homework.

I just. want to go. home.

I know why Jesus sent out the 72 in pairs. We are not meant to be alone. And being alone in a strange place is miserable. I don't really know people, nor can I carry on much of any real conversation. I haven't laughed in ages. I miss the happiness that bubbles out and over with laughter. I miss sharing moments with people. I miss my best friends. Especially the ones who've become too busy to spend a few moments with me.

I spend all my time on the internet, just waiting for anyone I know to come online so I can feel close to someone for just a few moments.

Please God. Just help me finish out my time as I need to.

Happy days are here again!

Yesterday and today were big days for me.

First of all, yesterday I was well enough to return to my internship and found two more new women upon my arrival! That brings us up to 7 now! When I came, there were 3 and one left! (Continue to pray for Eugenia.) The new women are Carla and Nadia, both of whom are there for consuming alcohol, cocaine, and pills. Carla's only 24. And she wasn't interested much in faith of any kind before entering Maranata. It is custom when there is a new person that they share the Gospel. Carla found hope in it and decided to give her life to Christ! So after my devotional, she asked if I would show her how to read the Bible, so we got to do that together for a little while, and Blanca (who believes God and the devil to be the same) was listening very intently. Later, I saw her reading Revelation on her own. Also, the best moment of my time here occurred Monday morning. When I arrived, I learned Victoria was there (if you remember, that's Ivana's baby). Two weeks ago, Ivana told me that Beatriz would be the godmother. That made me happy. Yesterday, Beatriz told me that the baby still didn't have documentation and did I want to know what they were calling her. I ventured a guess.. "Victoria?" "Noo," she said, "Tracy Victoria!" I looked at Ivana to see if this was a joke. I was kind of convinced it was. But it's not. I never felt like I did much there, definitely not enough to merit a child being named after me! But wow. I guess just being available and loving them without reason is enough. It makes me feel like my humble gift of service is just enough and exactly what was needed, even though I felt useless the whole time.

Today I spent almost 2.5 hours trying to get the extension on my visa. First, I spent an hour reading my toba materials (good use of time, right?!) while I waited for my number to be called. Then they called me up, instructed me to pay my 300 pesos at the bank, 7 blocks away, and on the way back to copy every single (and empty) page of my passport. I spent another 30 or more minutes standing in line at the bank. Then tried to find a place to photocopy the passport on the way back. Then waited for the girl who was helping me. Then handed her the stuffs. Then sat and read for another 15 minutes. Then was called up again. Finally done. What a process. But not too terrible. I will now here here legally until after I leave. :)

And then at 2, I ate chinese food with Dany (my research assistant). Nothing like Panda. But not terrible. Then we formulated our questions to ask Pastor Miguel Medina and his wife Marisa. Then we made our way to the barrio. Not gonna lie. It is pretty dirty and run down. It's how you picture a shantytown. But not the worst of shantytowns. They waited for us on the corner and took us to the church, where we had our interview. They were happy to help and glad that I wanted to know more of their culture. There was a lot of useful information shared in the 2 hours we were together. It's all recorded so Daniela can transcribe it, and I can catch the rest of what I missed. :)

All in all, a wonderful last couple of days. Keep praying. I still have more interviews to try and set up, and I don't know when it'll happen. I was hoping to be done by the end of this week, but it doesn't look like that will happen. Perhaps I'll start writing anyways and keep collecting information as I can, until I leave.

Anyways, I love you for sharing in all this with me, the ups and the downs. Thanks so much friends! But like I said, keep praying! I'm not done yet! :)

Gripe.

I haven't written anything super informative in a while. The truth is, I'm just ready to go home. I have 19 days left until i board the plane to go home. I'm starting to check out. And this week did not help that one bit. I was sick with (and am still getting over) the flu (gripe in Spanish) since Monday. I've been pretty miserable. I haven't had to deal with the flu in years, so there's that, and I'm in a foreign country, where I don't have my usual comforts. Not exactly my idea of a good time. Not only that, but I missed two days of my internship because of it. Now I have to figure out if I need to make them up somehow (I've been doing a horrible job of keeping track).

In other news, I'll be going to the barrio toba on Monday. If you'd like, you can keep praying for that research project and the interviews I'll be doing. I've finished reading one of my books, so that's nice, but I still have another. And I have a feeling that the third will never get translated because my assistant is kind of an airhead. So I'll most likely be needing to read that, too. I have a looot of work to do. And I need to be done with research by the end of next week so that I can start pulling everything together. The bad part is, at the moment I don't feel like doing anything. My body is still pretty weak and I have a huge headache.

Also, I need to make it to migrations asap. I need to get an extension on my visa so that I don't get in huge trouble for staying past the 90 days permitted to tourists (I'm here for 98 days). Hopefully, I can do that Tuesday morning. And hopefully there won't be a ginormous line of sorts. That would not make me happy.


Okay. My head hurts. Keep praying, folks. I appreciate you.

filosofía de maranata

Each house (the men's and the women's) reads this together every morning. The last shout is enough to send chills down your spine:

Estoy aquí porque no hay un lugar donde esconderme de mi mismo.
Hasta que no me confronte en los ojos y corazón de los demás estaré escapando.
Hasta que comparta mis secretos-- éstos no me darán descanso, temerosa de ser conocido-- no podré conocerme a mi mismo ni a los demás. Estaré sóla.
Donde sino en los puntos comunes podré encontrar un espejo aquí juntos por fin puedo verme claramente.
No como gigante de mis sueños, ni el enano de mis miedos.
Sino como una mujer, parte de un todo, con una contribución para ofrecer.
Sobre este terreno puedo echar raíces y crecer
no más sola como en la muerte, sino vivo
para Dios,
para mi mismo,
y para los demás.

FUERZA!



I am here because there isn't a place I can hide from myself.
Until I confront myself in the eyes and heart of the rest, I will be escaping.
Until I share my secrets-- these do not give me rest, I am afraid of being known-- I will not know myself or others. I will be alone.
But in the common points here together, I can find a mirror to finally see myself clearly.
Not like the giant of my dreams or the dwarf of my fears.
But as a woman, part of a whole, with a contribution to offer.
On this earth I can take root and grow.
No longer alone in death, but I live
for God,
for myself,
and for the rest.

STRENGTH!