Unwanted

It sucks to see all the posts from Thai people at my church to the short termers who were there while I was. The short-termers are missed sooo much and they were only there for a month or two. I was there for 8 months.

No one misses me..

A Little Hole

I have an ache, a little hole in my heart. When I read messages from my Thai friends, I long to be with them, to continue ministry among them. A past student of mine took a break from studying at Santisuk for a few months. This month he returned to start level three. Do you remember my post about the student called Prem? Actually, I don't remember if I ever mentioned his name, but he was the one who had many questions about the Christian faith. He was the one I had to entrust to God's care. I'm so glad that God has brought him back to learn English at the school. I asked him how level 3 was going and he told me it was going well. Then he said, "You are the best teacher and so friendly. I miss you."And the hurt began again. I miss my life there so much. Can I go back? How?

Yak glub bai.

I want to go back. For the past couple of days, I have been missing Thailand so bad. And it didn't really hit me until Sunday. I miss being surrounded by this beautiful language spoken by these beautiful people. I miss my friends and the food. And the ministry opportunities. I miss my students. I even miss the crazy heat. And today I've been dreaming up ways to go back. Kidteung prathes thai. ฉันคิดถึงประเทศไทย. mak maaak.

Preparations

So the last month was like a big vacation for me. Malaysia, a trip to the south, just hanging out and spending more money here than usual... Most of the Americans have left now. One more goes home on Sunday. I guess there's a team here currently.. but whatever. It's been great. Lots of pictures. Southern Thailand is the most beautiful place I've ever seen. Gorgeous. Check out the pictures on my facebook. It's was weird coming back here and doing nothing. And there are place I still want to see, but now everyone is working and no one can go with me. I won't be able to go to Chiang Mai after all. :(  But that's okay. It saves me a bit of money.

Other than that.. I've been trying to ready myself for going home. Only, I don't know how to do that. Re-entry is supposed to be one of the hardest parts about being abroad. I don't know what to expect and I don't know how to prepare. Please be praying for me. And if you have tips, let me know!

Beautiful Things

So it's been a crazy good week. Lots of things happening, at a quick pace and at a slow pace. I guess such is life, right? Anyway, After I made my decision, I was surprised at the reality of it. So it took a little bit to get used to the sudden change in life plans. But let me tell you about my week!

First off, the best thing: The student I had been talking about who was really coming closer to faith came to church on Friday. It was there that she finally chose to surrender her heart and life to Christ!!! It truly is beautiful because I don't think it was a decision based on emotions. It wasn't because of her boyfriend who has been out of town for the last few weeks. It was simply the moment when she knew God had chosen her and she embraced it. She thanked me for "bringing her to God." But I told her it was God who brought her to himself. I just got to watch. And I'm so thankful that God allowed me to watch. She is the first to come to Christ at Santisuk this year. I trust she will not be the last. And even when I leave, she is in the hands of our Wonderful Creator and a fantastic cell group who will help guide her in the first part of her walk. It's such an exciting thing!!

On Saturday I spent the day with the two Americans that are here. It's really nice having girls my age to hang out with. We went to the zoo and the big market and a mall they'd never visited. The day was full of laughter and pictures and spending (whoops!) but it was also full of reflection. I thought a lot about my decision and about my future and all the unknowns ahead. When I got home from the evening, instead of being anxious at all the questions I have, I felt completely at peace with where I am. I wrote this email to a friend:

"You know what's funny? As I've begun to tell people that I'm leaving, they ask if I'm just visiting home and then coming back. And then when I say no, they ask if I'll just come back next year. And I can honestly say now that I have no idea where in the world I'll be in one year. I actually said to someone, "My life is not my own," and I absolutely meant it. And that person didn't understand what I meant. And I've realized that the life verse I claimed in high school and then brushed aside is again my life verse. Isaiah 6:8: "Here am I. Send me." I have no idea what my calling is or where I'm supposed to go, and that's okay. I'm excited because I know God will be with me every step of the way and reveal it to me as I need to know. I don't think I've ever been more excited about a foggy future. haha I've been brainstorming about what direction my life could take. I think my next step is to learn piano and improve at leading worship and see where God takes me in that. Or I could move to Minnesota where I now have great friends that I've met here so that I can get a master's degree in addiction counseling. Tonight I was thinking and I tried to picture myself permanently in the States, and I wasn't sure that I could. It's a far cry from where I was last year, absolutely determined not to leave Gabe.. haha Thank God. 'Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom.' A-freaking-men."

And I reread that email, surprised by the maturity I was displaying. At some point during my stay God took hold of my life for real. There so many things I've known about the Christian life but it's so much different when that head knowledge finally moves to the heart. And it wasn't a sudden realization like it can sometimes be. I had no idea it even happened. It was a quiet growth that was just "there"when the time came. I want that to be the pattern for my walk with Christ. I don't want to know as I'm growing, because sometimes I place the focus on "my" growth. It's not mine. It's a work God is doing in me. And he will "bring it to completion" someday. Not for a very long while, though. For now, I'm pleased to look back at where I was and see where I am now and know it is a testimony to the grace and love of our Lord. How good is he?!

But yes, about those things in that email. In this next year I'm not sure of my exact plans. It's hard to even envision a life in the States now! Right now though, my heart desires to worship. For many years I've dreamed of getting to travel and lead worship in other places, seeing so many different people in different places worshipping the same God. It's hard for me to share this dream because I'm afraid it sounds silly. Compared to so many of my friends, my voice and my musicianship skills are not that great. But like I said, it's where my heart is. And I can't forget that 3 years ago he told me just to trust him and that he can do anything. It's scary to tell you all this in case I fail. But as I just typed that, I realized I cannot fail. I can simply learn that that is not the life God wants for me. I pray that he will open the doors that will bring the most glory to his name. My other idea is to make some money and return to school. During my summer abroad in Argentina I volunteered at a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center. I grew to love those women and wished I had a better way to help them than to just hang out. So if I am to go back to school I would get a degree/certificate in rehabilitation counseling. Maybe that's where God wants me. I did some light research on universities that offer such a program, and let me tell you.. there aren't many. They all cater to marriage and family counseling. But there is one that happens to be in Minnesota, where I now have a few good friends, and it would not be far from them. That also seems like it could work. But again, I don't know! Like in my email, I trust God to fill me in on his plan as I need to know. I trust him to close the doors to the options that are not his best for me. 

Anyway! Yesterday was my last day of teaching kindergarten! Hallelujah! I've learned how to interact with little kids now and they can be so adorable, but I definitely don't enjoy teaching them. Especially kids who don't speak English! Now I can sleep in the mornings and begin going to the gym again so I can be in better shape for when I go home! :) 

Lastly, I'm going to do something I never do. I'm going to share some lyrics/poemness I wrote. To be honest, I didn't listen to the sermon last night at church. I just started writing. And it's been so long since I've written. I'm always afraid to share these things because they are so personal, but I'm going to because it is a testimony to God's goodness. Don't laugh, okay?

Through the fog

Through the fire

Through the chaos in my mind

You've never left me

You're always by my side

You're patient with my failures

And my always desperate cry

You've never failed to rescue me

And I owe you more than my life

You held my hand when it hurt the most

You are there for every smile

You are teaching me to follow you

In ever blessing and every trial.

How can you be so wonderful?

How can you give so much grace?

How can I express how I love you

When I can't find any new words to say

Lord all I can do is stand here

Utterly amazed

So there it is. I think maybe the first full song about Jesus. Or second. The other was just two stanzas though.. Anyway, there's my heart on the page.

Continue to pray that God's name be lifted up here in Bangkok and all over the world.

In Christ, 

Tracy

It's Time. I think.

In the time that has passed since I last wrote, everything has changed. Every time someone would ask how long I was here or if they asked about my interview, I always qualified it. "If I get the job, I'm here. If I don't, I'll go home." Easy enough. In an effort to prepare myself in case things here didn't work out, I began researching things to do once I returned home. Just in case.

Jump to the other thing I wrote about. I was so excited about my students' interest in Jesus and faith and God. I learned that one of these students actually was baptized a long time ago, but at some point he stopped coming. But it's cool that he's back and has brought his girlfriend to church and has jumped on board fully. And I think she's open to it and getting closer to seeing who Christ really is. (Side note: I hung out with the two of them during Songkran, and it was fabulous! They were great hosts, though not very great protectors. hehe I only say that because I was just attacked with water and clay at almost every moment. But it was okay, because we all just laughed about it together. We joked about my bring a target cuz I'm white. haha [Sorry I couldn't get pictures. There was no way I was going to destro my new camera for one good shot.]) The other student who I've really been rooting for has a different story. He asked us to pray about his possible entrance into the military service. You see, at age 25, adult males who did not do the rotc type program in their high schools must report to the _____ (I don't know where). At this point, they must draw one of two cards. If the card is red, they must do military service for 2 years. My student asked us to pray that he would not get it. I spoke to him last week. He pulled the red card and was pretty bummed about it. I was bummed when I heard. Now what will he think of Jesus and prayer and faith? Will he continue to be surrounded by people who love Christ? It was really disappointing. But like I said in my last blog, I MUST entrust him to God's care. I believe that God has his eye on him and that someday he will choose to follow. And though I will not be in his life, I must continue to pray for him.

The excitement of seeing God move has faded a little. It is still a beautiful thing, but I also must trust that these things are happening even when I don't see them. As my roommate said regarding another person I wondered about, "I don't know his heart, so I don't know." That made me realize that I can be a pretty judgmental person. I look at people's actions and draw conclusions from them. Though the Bible says faith is made evident by fruit, it still doesn't give me the right to judge.

Wow that was an unexpected little tangent. But it's good to be real, right? Always.

Anyways, back to my original story.. The sudden absence of just about everyone here changed everything. Two of my great friends went to America and several others traveled home for the Thai new year. Though it was less than a week away from everyone, things changed drastically. I got an email about my second interview, but I wondered if I really wanted it anymore. I had being imagining what it'd be like to go home. There were things I began to get excited about at home. I desperately began praying that God would help me know where he wanted me. If I was to be here, I now needed a job and a change of heart. If I was to go home, I would need him to close the door on the job. But with a second interview, I knew I could nail it. I needed him to say no. This was my prayer for a few days, and nothing was changing. Then I got the email telling me exactly what I was to prepare for my demo lesson the next day. I was supposed to teach them essay structure. They wanted me to bring in a couple examples of good essays and a couple examples of bad essays for them to rewrite. And they wanted me to make it fun. I had absolutely no desire to put in the effort it would take to do a great lesson. None at all. It didn't sound appealing to me. But it was at my friend's school and he was giving me pointers and really wanted me to be able to work at his school. His wife told me I had to do well because she wanted me here. And in my head I began stressing out. I didn't know what to do. I didn't even want to do the interview. I realized I didn't want it anymore. My desire to go home had grown stronger than my desire to stay. It only took a week for everything to turn around. But what should I do? Cancel my interview or let God close the door? The problem is.. I knew I didn't want the job anymore. So why spend all the extra time and stress trying to prepare something good that I didn't even remotely care about? Why waste everyone's time? But to make such a big decision in one night?

It was tough. But I made it. And unless God does something to change all my plans (which is completely possible!), I will be coming home on June 14. So.. There it is. That's my big news.

For the remainder of my time here, I will finished teaching this session at Santisuk, then travel to southern Thailand with the two other missionaries here. Then maybe try to throw in a trip to Chiang Mai and the Philippines, but really I have to sit down and see if I can plan it all out. I don't have enough time and I have 2 months left!!

Please be praying for my remaining time here. That God would use every moment to glorify him. That he would continue to prepare me for what is ahead. That his hand would be on the relationships I have here. That they would support my decision and release me from my people-pleasing desires. For the relationships at home that have changed and the difficulties I will face in coming home to that with my own changes that have come.

Pray that his will be done and that his name is glorified above all else.

Amen.

Good Things Come to Those who Wait

So I need to write another post so you all know I'm not depressed and so I can share the great things that have been happening around here!

First off, since Friendship Camp, my past student that I mentioned along with 2 of my most recent students have shown more and more interest in God. All 3 came to our cell group last Sunday and it was SUCH a blessed time. It was probably the best cell group we've had in a while. One of the older cell members has come 4 times since I met her, and she often monopolized conversation with her questions and worries and problems. But this time, she offered to explain why the 3 new-comers could not take communion with us.. and then it turned into a really long presentation of the Gospel and her testimony and comparing Christianity with Buddhism. This former Buddhist lesbian women was just on fire. She was with it. And I was singing "Praie the Lord!" inside, not only for her, but for what my students were hearing from her. At the end of the time, we split into three groups and were able to pray for each other and for the students and continue in conversation. After cell group the member continued to bless us by treating us to lunch at Sizzler (which is not cheap for Thai people). It was the first time any of my students ever had the opportunity to eat there! And it was wonderful because the conversations about Christ and faith continued. One of the students is really struggling with his Buddhist faith and his new desire to discover what God has to offer. The older member kept encouraging him to just act on faith. After THAT, we continued to just have fun together and we went bowling! That was just my students, me, and the Philipina missionary teacher who is part of our cell. And after THAT, 2 of those students chose to come also to English service. It was an amazing day.

Wednesday was my last day of class at Santisuk for this session so we went out for ice cream afterwards. I invited my friend Nan from church who was unable to come to cell group because she was visiting home. She asked if P Pom (the older member) did a good job translating and I said she did, and then I turned to my students who had been there and asked if she did a good job. I guess they hadn't been previously listening to our conversation, so they didn't know we were talking about translation. My student said, "Oh yes. She answered all the questions in my heart." AMEN! He didn't even have to ASK the question for God to use P Pom to answer them. These two students (who are dating) are both taking monumental steps forward in trusting God. It's so beautiful to watch! AND they volunteered to take me around during Songkran (the New Year festival that I was worried about in my last post)!!

God is so good. I've been here for 6 months now and had gotten kind of discouraged with the lack of growth and just how everything was. So it is such a blessing that God has allowed me to see Him move here. It's exactly the reason I came. And it's wonderful to get to watch this unfold right before my eyes. I feel so so blessed and excited about what is to come.

BUT in order to stay here, I need a job. This month is the last month that I am guaranteed income. And I have been praying that God would show me where HE wants me. I am happy to say that I am completely at peace with whatever that is. It would be difficult to go home and be clueless as to my next steps, but if that is where he wants me, he will provide. It would not be admitting defeat; it would simply mean that my time here is done. And though that means I won't get to see those students continue to grow, it would mean that I must trust God to "bring to completion" the work that he started in them. And I do. I trust him completely. But one wonderful thing that happened this week is I had an interview for a job at the sister school of the one I'm currently at. It it a much bigger and better established school than where I am. Not only that, but I would be under the supervision of a good friend of mine. In fact, it was he who interviewed me. We had an hour long conversation about what jobs were open and what each entailed, and I actually began to get very excited about maybe teaching Social Studies (world history and geography) to 10/11/12 grade students. It would enable me to learn more and then get to share my knowledge with the students. I think there is already a foundation for what to teach also, I wouldn't be completely lost like I was when I came to my school. The main issue with the former teacher was that every lesson was lecture-based and the learning wasn't fun and there wasn't much retention. I've found myself already brainstorming projects and ways to make it interesting, incorporating assignments I've had to do personally in the past. The job is not mine though. There are others applying. And I may or may not get called for a second interview and at that point I would have to present a demo lesson. I've never had to do that. My school was so desperate for a teacher that they hired me without knowing if I was any good. And to be honest, I don't think I'm very good with kindergarteners. I mean, now I know how to relate with them and I love to play with them, but teaching them is a whole other story... and it's not a fun one! Anyway, back to my interview.. I am completely at peace with whatever happens. If I don't get the job, I have one more application to go through for a part-time Spanish teacher. But if no job becomes available, I won't take it personally. Of course there are older more experienced and more qualified people for these positions. And if they get the jobs, then perhaps it truly is time for me to come home for a new adventure. I'm okay with either. I just want what God has for me. :)

Okie doke, I think that leaves us on a better note than last time, right? More news to come.
Love you all.

Remembering Christ on this day,
Tracy

Broken and Lonely

I feel lonely. Maybe that's just how it is right now. Maybe tomorrow will be better. I ended the relationship I was in because I just didn't think it was healthy or good for me to even be in a relationship at this time. I felt awful about hurting him, and now we hardly have a friendship. And it sucks cuz he was one of the few people I hung out with. I think maybe people at the church always assumed I was with him, because no one ever invited me to do anything with them. And now that this relationship is over, I notice that more than ever. Especially with the big New Year holiday coming up. Many of my friends are going to the States for the first time. Others have already made their plans and didn't think to invite me, as they probably assumed I would be with my guy. But now I'm afraid I'll be alone. And it's my fault for having jumped into a relationship anyways, especially since I was unsure and broken from the last one. I had no business doing so and it only caused pain, for him and for me.. 

It's been nice for the last couple of months to have a young American couple here to hang out with. When we went to Cambodia, I realized it'd been a long time since I really laughed a lot. Laughter is the best medicine. But they are leaving next week. Luckily a girl my age arrived while we were gone. It's been nice having her here and we connected right away. I'm excited to get to know her more, but I'm also a little afraid of what it will be like when her friend also comes to teach in May. Will I be left again? I've realized it's just not the same when you spend all your time with people who have English as their second language. Humor is different. And as much as I enjoy time with them, I don't laugh as much. And people here don't really hug. I miss hugs. Hugs make me feel loved. It's hard when you barely have physical contact with people, especially when one of your love languages is physical touch. Or words of affirmation when people aren't as comfortable in your language. 

Today is hard. 

Maybe I need a Skype date with my parents. Last weekend was our friendship camp. The theme was "A Friend Who Knows Your Heart." I miss the people who know me, who know my heart.

On the bright side, one of my old students came to the camp and is really thirsty to know God. It's so exciting. This is why I came. I wanted to see God move, and He is. It excites me. Some days, like today, are just difficult.

I miss you.

Tracy

Camboja

So it’s been a while.. again. Sorry about that.  But I did have the chance to FINALLY go on vacation somewhere! I spent 7 days in Cambodia. I flew over on the 5^th with 3 other Americans who have been here and we had dinner and walked along the river our first night. Our second day was packed! And pretty heavy. We started out touring the Tuol Sleng prison museum, which was a primary school/high school that was converted into a place for interrogations and torture during the height of the Khmer Rouge regime. I found that even though I was in the place and hearing the horror of it and seeing the stains that the blood left on the floor.. I couldn’t comprehend that one person could do that to another. It just doesn’t seem possible, yet I know it was. 20,000 people went through S-21 (the other name for it) and there were about 12 survivors. The rest, if they didn’t die there, were shipped off in trucks to some fields outside of town. It is there that they murdered en masse. We walked by pit after pit where they had excavated the remains of so many people.. There are still small chips of bones and teeth that come up after a heavy rain. You can see pieces of clothing half buried in dirt that have worked their way to the surface. We learned that the serrated edges of sugar palm branches were cut off and used to slit people’s throats. The worst, and where it became real to me, was the killing tree. Instead of wasting precious ammunition, guards would find sport in taking babies by the legs and bashing their heads again the trunk of this tree and throw the bodies in a pit beside it. Women were raped and killed and thrown in the pit with them, naked. The tree is still stained and there is a smell. I don’t know if it was related to what happened there, but the smell really made it real to me. The history of Cambodia is a tragic one and it didn’t even happen that long ago. This was taking place from 1975-1979, while the US and UK supported the Khmer Rouge as the rightful government and gave them a seat in the UN. No one really knew what was going on inside the country. Any one with an education was subject to this terrible treatment.

            After the heavy morning/afternoon, we needed something more light-hearted, so we went down to the Russian market , so named because it used to be that all the foreigners were from Russia and they would frequent this market. It was a pretty short trip because we realized we hadn’t eaten lunch, and it was getting late. So we stopped at a bakery there (thanks to the French influence there, they have excellent baguettes!), and then went home only to have dinner right away before being whisked off for our first “seeing hands” massage! I’d never had a blind massage before and that was pretty interesting. I think I enjoyed mine more than the others though because they are really tall and their length was working against them on the table. :/

            Wednesday we woke up bright and early and set off in our taxi for Siem Reap at 7:30 in the morning! It was a 5 hour drive, but we were able to relax and chat and sleep and stop to eat spiders. Wait, what? Yea. In Cambodia, there is a place where they sell fried spiders. Think tarantula size. It took four of us to eat one. And interestingly enough, once you take a bite, you forget it’s a spider. It just tasted like crunchy fried oil. The only downside is having the little hairs break off and lodge themselves in the crevices of your mouth, so if you don’t do a clean sweep after you bite, you’ll find them later. Gross. We made it to Siem Reap a little after noon, I think. Heide and our Thai friend Kong had arrived a couple hours before us, but we were all able to meet up after we arrived. That night we went to buy our Angkor Wat tickets and to watch the sunset, which we actually didn’t get to see because they closed that particular temple at 5:30. We weren’t allowed to climb to the top and therefore were unable to see the sunset through the trees. But we did get a nice unexpected hike out of it! Afterwards the 6 of us went to the night market where we ate dinner and did our first bit of shopping in Cambodia. We were told its nickname is “Scambodia” and that we should ask for 60% of the starting price for anything we buy. I didn’t do so hot at first.. but that’s ok. It’s where they get their money for living, so I’m glad I could help. I ended up buying two pair of the weird Asian pants that I swore I would never wear and a shirt with elephants that says Angkor Wat. The shirt is kinda small, but the pants are great and comfy! .. and elsewhere I got a really cool shirt that says “same same” on the front (cuz that’s how Thais [and Cambodians] say it) and on the back it says “but different.” It wasn’t til I got home that I realized it was printed on a maternity shirt from Old Navy.. Oh well.

            Wow this post is getting long and believe it or not, it’s taken me over a week to write. The rest of the trip goes like this. The next day we woke up dark and early and set off for Angkor Wat at 5am to catch the sunrise there. It was a long day of walking in the hot Cambodian sun, but we got to see some incredible things that man has done. Pictures will be posted on Facebook. It was a tiring day and My sunscreen didn’t work well, but luckily I had been using my umbrella, so there were only minor sunburns. After our time there, we went home and swam in the rooftop pool at our hotel and then ate dinner and all got massages at the hotel spa. The next day we went to Tonle Sap lake, which is the biggest lake in SE Asia. It ended up being kind of a bummer. Though it was really interesting to see the community that lives in poverty on the lake (like literally ON the lake, think floating houses), we were taken to the general store where we were then pressured to buy things for the children at the school. We ended up spending $10 each to buy a giant bag of rice to give them. Luckily we got it down from $70 to $50.. Then we felt bad for not being happy about giving it. We just felt forced, you know? We didn’t really have that much money with us either. After we visited the school and dropped off the rice and took pictures with the kids, the boat took us to the crocodile farm and fish farm, which are tiny little pools on a floating barge where they also have a restaurant and tourist shop and information about how the community lives in the different seasons. As interesting as the whole experience was, it left a bad taste in my mouth. When we were finally pulling up to land, our guide told us that if we liked our tour, we should give him $5 to help him go to school. We didn’t have much more money and were tired of feeling conned, so we each chipped in and collectively gave him $5. We weren’t happy. And that put the outing at $21, officially more than Angkor Wat and it was not worth it. And that was when I realized that the sunscreen I bought truly did not work at all. My arm got soo red. That was disappointing. After that we had a snack at a butterfly garden restaurant then went to the old market to do more shopping. It was there that I purchased my cool backpack made out of elephant cement bags. Then we went home, swam more, ate dinner and played Telephone Pictionary, one of the greatest group games ever invented. We laughed loudly and generally had a great time.

            Friday was Heide’s birthday, so we planned the day to surprise her. First we went to a pottery place and she got to try making a pot on a wheel. The bummer is she forgot to pick it up on her way out of town the next day. :/ From there we went to the silk farm and got to see just how silk is made. It was funny to talk about the way we ooh and ahh over what man can do at Angkor Wat and then quietly take in the intricate amazing things God can do with a little silk worm. It’s crazy stuff. Just because one is bigger and statelier doesn’t mean it’s cooler. After that we went to lunch and then sent Heide off alone with our tuk tuk driver and $10. She didn’t know she was going to get another massage, but we arranged it with the driver in advance. It was a fun surprise. She said she didn’t know what she was doing until she was in the private room and they asked which kind of massage she wanted! While she did that, the rest of us checked out the sister “school” of the silk farm where they train people from the local communities to do wood-carving or stone-carving or painting or lacquer-ing..  then we went back to the old market to wait for Heide. After that we went to the best ice cream place ever, recommended by my friend who had been to the country 3 years in a row. It was so cool to think he had been in the very same spot so many times. I felt connected to home for a brief instant. Then we went back to the hotel to rest before taking off again to a free “concert.” It was put on by a cellist-pediatrician who started a hospital (now there are 4 or 5 of them) where they treat children for free. It would have been nicer if I had been prepared to be talked at for over two hours. I was under the impression that it was going to be an hour of cello music, and for that I was very excited. I wish I had been ready and more receptive. As one of my friends said, it was neat that we got to end our trip with good news, especially since we started it out so depressingly. I agreed with that but was still in a sour mood. :/ Then the place we wanted to take Heide for dinner was closed and I was even more disappointed. I snapped out of it after we finally ate at a restaurant on Pub Street. It was there that we talked to a band of French cyclists who were traveling around the world. The girl we talked to hadn’t been home in 4 years. Though traveling the world and getting to see and experience so many places and peoples and cultures would be amazing, I don’t know if I could be away from home for that long. Finally after dinner, we tried the fish foot massages that we’d seen everywhere. It tickles SO badly! It is a crazy experience. From there we went home and it was after midnight. Heide’s birthday had officially ended. She told us it was the best birthday she’d ever had! :) That felt good.

The next morning we all set out on our journey home. It was a fantastic vacation and I’m so grateful I got to go and for the people I went with.. and for my grandparents and uncle, whose Christmas gifts helped finance it. ;)

I still have more to update on, but that will come another time. This is sufficiently way too long. (Sorry!)

Much love.

Trace

Discouraged.

Currently I feel pretty lonely. Sometimes I get overwhelmed with my questioning. What am I doing here, God? Recently we've started up an English service at our church, which I was very excited about. I was even asked to lead worship on the first day. And I thought I was being a good leader, sending out a Facebook message to the two others at the beginning of the week with what I thought would be the songs for Sunday. And we met Thursday to practice, and that went fairly well. They still didn't really know the new songs, but it was only a day or two after I showed them. And then Sunday when we come early to practice, nothing is set up and everyone is doing other things and people came to "help" and were fooling around with instruments and I had to get chords printed up because that wasn't taken care of by the person  in charge. When we finally got to practice, like 30 minutes before service was to start, it turns out the two had neither practiced nor even listened to the new songs on their own. I was SO frustrated. Not to mention the equipment didn't work properly. This was NOT like leading worship at home. I was frustrated and I think everyone could tell. I knew I needed to let go, but I didn't know how. I told my roommate that I needed prayer. I told another woman I trust deeply that it was so hard and I was frustrated and I needed God to change my attitude. And he did. Worship was fine. He was there. Was it perfect? No. But that's okay. 

This week, I was just going to sing, but didn't go to the first rehearsal on Tuesday because it was Valentine's day and I had a date! :) But when I came on Thursday, it felt like everything was already taken care of. The American girl who is here for two months is a perfectly capable singer and also plays piano. My roommate plays guitar. They had one guy lead and 3 girl singers. Why was I there? I felt discouraged yet again. Oh yea, and the last mic they had for me was battery-less. So it really was like I was useless. Then Friday night was the Thai service. And I went and sat alone. And no one sat by me. And I thought to myself, Doesn't anyone here love me? And someone got up to give their testimony and used John 21, "If you love me, feed my sheep." I've been asking God to show me what real love is. And this struck me. "Feed my sheep." But God, I have no sheep. There is no one in my care here. God how can I feed sheep I don't have? Who are the sheep you've entrusted in my care? Is there anyone?? It was all I could do to keep from crying in the middle of service. How could I show my love if I couldn't feed sheep? 

A few hours after service I went with two other cell groups on a camping trip. I was invited by the guy I'm dating and his friend. And my roommate would be there, too, so I figured, "Sweet! I finally get to leave Bangkok!" But it turned out to be so lonely for me. I felt like I didn't fit in. It turns out that something I said in my brokenness early on in the trip really hurt the guy, so then he ignored me the whole time we were there. It was truly a lonely time. But I had a lot of time to think.. I realized I have this great need to be needed. I find my worth in being useful. Not in Jesus. And I remembered that God doesn't need me. He doesn't need me at all. He can do anything he wants without my help. But he wants me. That was such a beautiful and freeing thing to realize. When we got back, I was able to go to worship to offer my gift, not because it was needed, but because he wanted it. And then I was asked to open one of the songs. Talk about blessings. When I gave up my need for usefulness, I was suddenly necessary. haha God is funny. 

And then yesterday and today, in the span of 24 hours, I called the airline over 30 times, trying to change my flight. I am scheduled to take off on the 22. If I don't get through in just a few hours tomorrow morning, I forfeit my flight and will have to pay for a return on my own with money I currently don't have. How can a business have its phone line be busy EVERY TIME someone calls? I don't know what to do. I have a very small window tomorrow to get through. Please pray.

Also, be praying for locating a new job. I have told my school that I am not interested in teaching kindergarten again. I have applied to two places, but I won't know anything for a while, I don't think. 

And be praying for my relationships here. That God would move in them and through them. I desire to be known and understood, but I don't have that yet here. And it gets lonely. 

Alright, I'm out.

Learning, Healing, Growing

January was a fantastic month. I know I didn't really update like I should have, but I promise you, it was a good time.

First off, I had a period of complete confusion. I wasn't sure why I was here, of even if this was where God wanted me. In speaking with people I trust, I was told they didn't actually think I was listening to God. Now of course, this terrified me. I began to wonder if God allows things to happen that are not what he ultimately wants for us. And so after worrying about it for a week or so, I finally asked some friends here what they think, and of course, that's a question you only ask when you in the middle of wondering about something personal. So they asked me what was going on. It was a good conversation. One of the women, P Awe, recently came back from her time as a missionary in Vietnam. And another, a leader in the church, was telling me about how most of the church members including her though that P Awe was not listening to God when she was talking about going. They thought that God wanted her here because Thailand also has great needs and her gifts could be used here. But P Awe continued to feel that God wanted her abroad. So she went, and in her time away, the hearts of those against it began to soften. They told me, "If God told you, then it doesn't matter if it doesn't make sense to others. In fact, it probably won't make sense to a lot of others." And that was a comforting thought. All my questioning ceased. I know I prayed about it a lot before coming. I know I asked for signs and for confirmation over and over. And I know He opened the door. So I will take another friend's advice: "If you think you're supposed to be in Thailand, be in in Thailand," meaning I should stop wondering about what I could be doing at home. I need to be present here. Whether or not I know my purpose.

Second, I learned a lot about emotions. I read through a blog series entitled "Are Women Crazy?" It gave me a lot to think about. She reminds that though emotions are God-given, anything not done in faith is sin. So when we have these major reactions that are not proportional to the circumstance, we need to check what is actually going on. When we have an abundance of negative emotions (or positive or a lack of emotions), they can point to our finding security in something other than Christ. For example, when someone finds their security in their job or in what people think of them, and then something goes wrong at work or they get rejected by someone, it becomes a bigger issue than it really is because it is actually shaking the foundation of who they've built themselves up to be. But when we instead measure our worth and find our value in Christ, these little mishaps will be just that and no more. That was a really good lesson for me to learn, because in December my emotions were out of control. Since I read this series, I've been examining my reactions to things, and I'm glad to say that I'm getting better. Then, I began re-reading Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge (I highly recommend it). It's the women's version of John's Wild at Heart for men. It was good to be reminded (after going through the other series) that our emotions are a reflection of who God is. He gave us emotions because he also feels. Our emotions can point to God's glory (when they are not misguided). So it's not crazy for me to cry when I am passionately praying for people. It's actually a beautiful thing to be moved by Him. It's a little glimpse into his heart. So yea, learning a lot about emotions.

Third, and one of those most beautiful things I can praise him for this month, is healing. I've been able to spend a lot more time with him lately. More consistently. In December, I read My Utmost for his Highest everyday, but I neglected to open the Word on my own. I didn't have any prayer time. January was a great time of getting back on track and spending quality time with my Maker in both prayer and reading the Word. It is healing for a downcast spirit. Not only that, but there was major healing in my life. Many of you know I was severely hurt last year. Severely hurt. Emotionally. I was still carrying around this hurt after a year. Last week, I knew that my exboyfriend and his new fiancee would be coming to Thailand. I knew I would not see them, and yet the Sunday before their arrival date found me with so much anxiety. A complete lack of peace. And so in my cell group we prayed about it, and I felt lighter. And for the next few days, I actually forgot they were coming! And then the day before their arrival, I remembered. And I didn't care. The next day I knew they were coming, and I didn't care. I actually said a prayer for their team. For the first time in over a year, he had no effect on my peace and my joy. I'm over it. I have finally lain aside the baggage. I've given it up. I've chosen what is Better. I cannot even begin to tell you how much lighter I feel. I'm free. And it's so beautiful.

Fourth (man, January was quite the month), I was approached by someone on the church board about an English service they are putting together. P Awe, the one I mentioned before, is in charge of the worship team and I have been asked to join! Though I have some reservations about such a tiny church trying to have two services, I am excited to be a part of this process. This Sunday on our way to cell group, my cell leader pointed out that maybe this was an answer to prayer. Maybe this was part of my purpose for being in Thailand. That was a crazy thought! It is my not-too-oft-spoken dream to lead worship around the world. Though in my head that dream come true looks a lot like joining Hillsong, this would also fall under that banner. And guess what? Today P Awe asked if I would lead next Sunday, our first ever English service. Talk about an amazing opportunity! Please pray for this service, that God would have his hand on it in a mighty way, that those who are dedicating themselves to putting this service on would find growth and encouragement, and also to hear clearly form God about what he wants us to do. I have no idea what music to do yet, because the music here is about.. 50 years old. The worship team at this moment will be P Awe, myself, and my roommate Heide. It's going to be great to be able to worship together in a language we both understand.

Lastly, this is a new prayer request. My term at my school is almost up, and though I have (mostly) enjoyed working with those kindergarteners, I really would like to teach an older age group. And I would like a commute that is less than an hour. I hate waking up at 5:30. It's really brutal. But I need to begin searching for another job so that I can have something in place before my visa expires next month. Please please be in prayer for that process!


Thank you for your continued prayers and support as I'm all the way over here. I hope and pray that God is blessing you and growing you as he is me. May we all continue together.

Amen.

Feeling Good

These last few days have been good. Or at least yesterday and today. That's as far back as I can remember right now. I'm making a conscious effort to spend more time in the Word and in prayer. I need your prayers to continue, because satan knows I'm easily distracted. I found joy in the fact that I looked at my prayer journal today and hesitated, but then chose to get it out and write for the second day in a row. It's not a first, but it's been a while. It makes me happy that I chose to do what is right and what is good for me and my relationship with my Creator. For a while, I had lost my purpose. I had forgotten why I was here and what I was doing. I'll tell you, it was not fun. But as I've spent time with him, he reminded me that I came to see him move in this country. I came to be a part of bringing about his kingdom here. I still don't know exactly what it looks like, but perhaps it is just being available to him. But to be available to him means I need to be listening to him daily, constantly giving up my laziness to continue investing in relationships I've begun. It is so easy (and what I have been doing for the last two months) to come home from work and take a nap and then be lazy and watch episodes of CSI all day. CSI in and of itself is not bad, but when my days off turn into days in, where I just spend all day watching CSI and looking at things on Facebook, it becomes unhealthy. I guess I change my mind from what I wrote in my last post. I still want to learn to let go of my expectations, but when someone desires to change, it helps to have goals. I think I want to make it a goal for 2012 to learn to be less lazy, to get off the computer and read. To get better at guitar. Maybe I'll even endeavor to teach myself piano. I want to try painting. There are so many things I can do that would allow God to use me, but it starts with me getting off my computer. Even though I'm not currently working at Santisuk, I will try to spend a few hours there during the week, building the friendships I started and then neglected. For a long time, people have poured into me. It's my turn to intercede for them and for this country. My goal for 2012 is to never forget. Never forget what God has done and in turn, never forget my purpose. To worship him with my words and my life. To point everyone I meet to the incredibleness of who he is. In November, I was reading through Ezekiel, and then  have been jumping around in the New Testament. Currently I'm in 1 Peter. Truth is, I'm trying to put off going back to the Old Testamant. It can be kinda hard to understand sometimes. But after I finish this book, Daniel, here I am. And I know this one can be confusing, so if you have any cool thoughts about any passages there, it'd be great if you shared them to help me understand those apocalyptic parts better.

Anywho, I went to the Dr. today because my right eye turned really red yesterday after poking it in the morning with the mascara wand. I thought maybe I had a version of pink eye caused by trauma. And I guess maybe that's true, but the dr. said that the jab in the eye had nothing to do with it (I don't believe her). But she did say that I have scratches all around my eye from prolonged wearing of my contacts. :/ That's happened before. I need to take better care of my eyes. No more wearing contacts for 16 hours straight. Not okay.

Okay. Bed time. In my next update, I'll talk about how my transition is going in regards to moving apartments. :)

Thanks for the prayers. I feel them. And really, thank you.
Tracy

New Year, New Outlook

Sorry it's been a while since my last post. I tried once or twice to start a blog, but then would get interrupted or the internet would cut and then I just got lazy as time went on. Not to mention depressed. So here's the December recap. Ironically, the week after I posted that I only had to work one day was the longest week. It turns out my coworker had a minor stroke, so they called me in to cover for her. Conveniently enough, I got a realllly bad cold, so it made my week long and miserable. And then came the holiday/culture shock depression. I had my ideas of how my celebrations would be abroad, and these did not come to fruition. I had expectations that I didn't even know about until reality came crashing in. I think I cried more days than I didn't in the last couple of weeks. Some days I wondered to myself if I was even happy. Yet by God's grace, I made it through and I feel so much better. It's like coming to those realizations lifted an enormous burden off of me. Not to mention the holidays are over. I'm starting this new year fresh. And I want to have a positive outlook. No resolutions for me. I already have issues with unmet expectations; I don't want to put more pressure on myself. Sure, there are things that I would like to see happen, but mostly in 2012 (and the rest of life) I want to learn to let go. I'll try harder to keep updating here, so you aren't in the dark as to how life is going.

Pray requests:
*Better and more consistent quiet times.
*Saturday I'm moving in with my friend, so pray for the transition from just friends to roommates and then also having to live with someone again after a long while.. it may or may not be difficult.
*I'm singing tomorrow at church. Pray that God uses it for his glory.
*Pray that I find joy in my job. Of course I love the little ones, but I dread going to work each day.

That's all I can think of. Thanks for being patient with me!
Tracy