My King

This summer I had the opportunity to visit my friend Shelby in Guatemala. I spent a few days seeing how she now lives, assisting other English teachers at the Christian school there, attending church service, and even exploring a bit of nearby Antigua.

What struck me during this short time was that Jesus is King. I've always known this, of course, but I'd never really thought about it. So many songs lifted him up as such and reflected on that fact. One of them is a wonderful song I'd known previously but was really able to meditate on. It's called "Te Doy Gloria" (I Give You Glory). And we sing the bridge over and over again.. "Con una corona de espinos te hiciste rey por siempre" (With a crown of thorns you made yourself king forever). Think about that line a few times. Change the focus of it. Crown of thorns. He made himself king. He's king forever. I'm sure there were other things that pointed to my revelation that week, but this song is really the thing that stuck with me.

Even now I'm still learning about Jesus as king. I read a short article recently about how we can add to our personal Bible study, and the author suggested substituting the word "king" for "Christ" or "Messiah" because these words mean "annointed one," aka the king.

Today in reading through Psalm 96-100, I was struck again by the Jesus as King theme. Worship him. All the earth worships him. Honor. Majesty. He reigns from his throne in heaven. I picture clouds beneath him and angels surrounding him. He is just. Bow before him. He will come again in victory.

And I started thinking about victory. And celebration. Kingship is such a foreign concept to me.. I don't live in a country with a king. And victory is semi-foreign as well.. I've never even lived in a sports-crazy town with a victorious team. I picture a big football/basketball team winning the championship and the town throwing a parade in their honor.

Jesus is going to come back, you guys! And he won't have just won a sports event. He will have defeated evil. I can't even begin to think about the glory and honor he deserves.

My king. Mi rey.

Raggamuffins

So it's taking me forever to get through Raggamuffin Gospel because I feel I never have time to read anymore. But I wanted to share this passage from Dietrich Bonhoeffer that Manning borrows:

He who is alone with his sins is utterly alone. It may be that Christians, notwithstanding corporate worship, common prayer, and all their fellowship in service, may still be left to their loneliness. The final breakthrough to fellowship does not occur because, though they have fellowship with one another as believers and as devout people, they do not have fellowship as the undevout, as sinners. The pious fellowship permits no one to be a sinner. So everyone must conceal his sin from himself and from their fellowship. We dare not be sinners. Many Christians are unthinkably horrified when a real sinner is suddenly discovered among the righteous. So we remain alone with our sin, living in less and hypocrisy. The fact is that we are sinners!

Actually I want to share with you Manning's rights on it. Last bit, I promise:

At Sunday worship, as in every dimension of our existence, many of us pretend to believe we are sinners. Consequently, all we can do is pretend to believe we have been forgiven. As a result, our whole spiritual life is pseudo-repentance and pseudo-bliss.

So much food for thought. Read it. Like five or six times. I know I did.

What's New?

Sooo... if you haven't really been involved in my life recently.. Surprise! I moved to Ohio!

I definitely meant to update my blog sooner, but sometimes life just gets in the way, you know? (That and it is no longer part of my job description.)

Oh. And I don't work for Praying Pelican anymore either.

God is nuts. This world is crazy. But that's okay.


I had maybe one of the worst summers of my life. One of those weeks was definitely the worst week of my life. And I came home early. And then to top it off, I was jobless at the end of August. But strangely enough, I had so much peace. I knew people were praying for me. Even though everything sucked, I trusted that God had something else in mind.

So I left. I moved to Columbus, Ohio, to help my former Jr. High pastors, Steve and Katie, plant RiverNorth Church. I got a job at a tea shop, and I live with Katie's mom.


And it had been good. God is working here in ways we would never have imagined, but ways so evident that we can see his fingerprints all over it.

I don't think of my job as "work." I think of it as ministry. Because never before have I had so much opportunity to share my faith and who God is and the reason I came. I have never before prayed more consistently for the same exact things. I am learning to intercede on behalf of others and step out in boldness. Goodness, within the first 30 seconds of meeting me, most people will know where I stand. California girl moved to Ohio. Why? Well let me tell you...


Romans 8:28. Everything for good.

Questions

This is the post that I have been putting off, the one I don't want to write. It's the one that exposes my frailties and failure to trust in the God that has great plans for me. But life is not always rainbows and butterflies; sometimes it sucks. So here we go..

I kind of "dated" a guy in Costa Rica this year. We met in January and it ended in May because the distance was just too difficult. And when we served in his community this summer, that was my only stress point. I still cared for him very much so it was hard to be around him. I prayed about it with my assistant trip leader several times and had a handful of conversations with other trusted friends as well. "If it is God's will, it will happen." And it happened. And then 5 days later, it un-happened.

I was livid. Probably one of the times I've been most angry in my life. First with him, for making me look like a fool, for giving up so easily. Then I was angry with myself. "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me." I opened myself up because I felt like it was from God, an answer to my prayers. Then my anger shifted to God. Why the heck did he let us get back together if it was only going to end a few days later?! I was just getting used to being friends. It was pointless and stupid, and I was so angry.

Internal dialogue as follow: Everyone always says I'm special, that I'm different, made for something more. Well I don't want to be special or different anymore. I just want to be happy. I just want someone to love me back. I thought this was from you, God. Why would you answer my prayer only to take it away? And if it wasn't from him, how could I have been so wrong? Do I really suck that much at hearing you? Guess I suck at everything. And you suck for giving and then taking it right back. What was the point?? I'm done. I don't care anymore. I don't want to do anything, see anyone, think or feel. Just make it all go away. 

There was more. There are words I don't normally use scribbled furiously in my prayer journal. My natural reaction to stress or overwhelming emotion is to cry. So I cried in anger all night. And I woke the next day and tried to hide it. But the tears came off and on all day. It sucked.

Then God brought me to Jonah 4. Jonah sits himself in view of Tarshish to watch its destruction, but it was hot. God caused a plant to grow up and provide shade and comfort. Then he sent a worm to eat it. And a hot wind to blow on Jonah as he sat. And Jonah was pissed.

Verse 9-10:

But God said to Jonah, "Do you have a right to be angry about the vine?" 

"I do," he said. " I am angry enough to die."

 But the Lord said, "You have been concerned about this vine, though you did not tend it or make it grow. It sprang up overnight and died overnight."

Aka: What right do you have to be angry about a relationship I give to you for a week? I didn't have to give it to you at all. Ugh. It sucks to be rebuked. But then in the back of my mind, there was the voice that said I wish you wouldn't have.. And the questions start again. Vicious cycle.

In the middle of worse pain then mine, Job said, "The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord." In my own anger, I cursed at God. I was once again battling God for control of my life. I wanted things my way. Of course, I already knew I wasn't going to win. God would get his way-- he's God. It's useless to fight him. But maan.. to come face to face with the extent of your sinful attitudes and thoughts.. not fun.

I continued to battle with these things for the rest of the summer for a variety of reasons. Every time something didn't go my way, it was all brought up again. Even now God is working to remove these parts of me. But more on this later. That post will be titled "Restoration."


So welcome to my life. It's messy. I'm sinful. And I have no right to speak to God that way. But something tells me I'm not the only one. And maybe if I can be open and vulnerable with my not-so-pretty/downright ugly parts, maybe someone else will see that in themselves, too, and then we can be honest about our shortcomings and seek God together. Maybe. I can only pray that he will use this post for his glory.

En Espiritu y En Verdad

So this summer, God challenged me to preach. Now speaking is not something foreign to me; I sometimes do the message for the high school ministry at my church. However, I have never preached a sermon for a whole church, let alone in another country. I was very nervous. I even called home to have my mommy pray for me.

Back story: Before the trip, Pastor Jesus asked me who would be preaching on Sunday for the two services. Actually, to be more honest he asked if I was going to preach on Sunday, which translated to me as "Who are you going to find, because if you don't find anyone, it's you." So I arranged that our bus driver for the week (another pastor friend) would deliver the Word. It turned out, though, that we had a staffing change and would have to find another speaker. That's when I contacted the group leader of the team who would be coming. He graciously agreed to do Sunday morning, and after I reminded him that the evening service would be at a different location, he said he would take care of that one as well. I was off the hook..

 ..Until Tuesday.

While driving to our ministry location, Pastor again asks me, "Who's preaching tomorrow?" At this point, since we have a great relationship, I say to him that we only discussed a guest preacher for Sunday, so HE would be the one preaching Wednesday. He just laughs and says, "No, I guess you get to!" Ha. No way. His church, he's preaching. But I ask him questions about the community, to know it better/in the back of my mind, forming ideas for a sermon because even though I've said no for the time being, that's just how I work. I don't say yes until I'm sure. Not with something like that. That night during devotional (I don't even remember exactly what it was on), I remember feeling this weight, like Okay, I'm preaching tomorrow, aren't I, God?

So all day Wednesday, I'm brainstorming and asking questions and letting Scripture come to mind. I found out that there was much duplicity in the church, that people weren't really living or walking in integrity. So that became a main component of my sermon.

I based my message on John 4:23-24, where Jesus says that God is seeking people to worship him in spirit and in truth. I talked about the freedom we find in the Spirit but that we shouldn't use it to satisfy our flesh (Gal 5:16-21) and that Satan uses our weaknesses to tempt us. And sometimes we try to justify our actions, but that cheapens grace (Rom 6:15). So how do we live well in the Spirit? We add in the truth part. We are to live one life, Sunday-Saturday, not one life at church, one life at home, one life at school/work. One life. (Gal 6:7-9). But how can we live one life? How do we get away from the sin that so easily entangles? We are transformed by the renewing of our minds (Rom 12:2). If we've given our lives to Christ, we are new creations (2 Cor 5:17). That's how we live in truth. We let God change us. And then as a check to see if we are living in Spirit and in Truth, we see fruit in our lives. We see love and joy and peace and patience, etc. And we seek to keep in step with the Spirit (Gal 5:22-25). I left them with 3 steps. 1) Commit yourself fully to God. No more double lives. 2) Ask the Spirit to cultivate in you the fruit of the Spirit and let him transform you. 3) Refuse to go back to the way things were.

Now my group told me that I did a great job, but I will never forget the look that Pastor had on his face. This was not at all the kind of sermon they were used to. Generally during service, they will read a short passage and hear a message based on one of those verses. I made them get out their Bibles (and if they didn't bring it, we passed them out) and flip to all of these verses. I had them read aloud, in both English and Spanish. Pastor's face said "What in the world are you doing??" To this day, I'm not sure what he thought of it, but it seemed to go over well with those who attended service. They even had a response time at the end, where they all prayed to rid the duplicity in their lives. I asked the sound guys to play a specific song that had a pre-chorus that matched my message. That pre-chorus says "I don't want to conform; I've tasted and I want more." And The chorus says "I want to fall more in love with you. Teach me how to love you and how to live. Mold me to your justice and your love. With my life I want to worship you. With all that I have and all I am, everything I've been I give to you. That my life would be for you, perfume at your feet."

I have no idea if Pastor will ever ask me to speak again, but here's that song I just told you about (ironically performed by a band called En Espiritu y En Verdad):

Grace

This was a hard summer. Not like last year's hard. That was hard because I had zero experience and zero confidence in myself. This year was a whole other ball game. I can't go into all of it, but as with everything, some weeks were harder than other. Sometimes it was the work itself that was difficult; other times, life outside of trip leading was pressing in on me, making it difficult to lead well. Over the next few weeks, I hope to unpack for you (and for me) some of that stuff. Currently it's all balled up inside me and I have no idea how to express anything. My hope is that writing will help unload some of that burden. So I'll just dive into the first post, which should actually be the last post, because it's the last thing that happened this summer.


Grace. Getting what we don't deserve.

Like I said, it was a hard summer. I was a bit bitter as I made my way to the airport Saturday morning. I checked in for my flight and was given my tickets. First one had me sitting in 30D at the very back of the plane. My second flight would have me in the middle at row 20. I had secret hope that because I was flying Copa, I might get bumped up to business class. After all, it was a hard summer, and I deserved it. And as to be expected, I flew out of Costa Rica in seat 30D. I figured it was because there wasn't a whole lot of time after I checked in to have them bump me up. It was only an hour or so. Maybe since I was checked in early for my flight from Panama, I would be moved up.

And I arrived in Panama. I glanced down at my ticket to see which gate I'd be leaving from.. and there was no sign for gate 9 anywhere. So I looked at the board that lists departing flights. 31. Ok, so maybe since my ticket was wrong, they'll have a new one for me when I get there and it will have my business class seat. (My thought processes.) I get to my gate and they briefly look at my ticket and then I go through a second security check. Normal. Now when I've had upgrades before they end up calling my name either over the speaker or someone from the airline approaches me. So I sit and wait. And I pull out my book. It's nearly time to board, and they call a few names over the loud speaker. Mine is not one of them. I inwardly try to rebuke myself for thinking I deserved something. So many times recently, I've been confronted by my own sense of entitlement. I don't deserve it. And how dare I even think of getting frustrated with God for not doing what I wanted. He doesn't owe me anything. Man. How messed up was I? I finally talked myself off of my high horse as they started boarding. Everything I experienced this summer is a part of life. It doesn't mean I should get any special treatment to "make up for it." So I hand the guy my ticket for my seat in 20D and head down the jetway, ready for a nap. Inner turmoil will make you tired.

Midway down the jetway, I hear my name, "Roberts, Tracy?" Umm yes? And he motions for me to come back. I follow him back to the counter and as he's doing something on the computer he tell me, "You have an upgrade."

Man. Imagine how I felt. I had just told God off for not giving me what I thought I deserved. Then I scolded myself for doing so. I pointed out all the errors in my attitude and set it right. I was ready to continue. Then what does God do? He blesses me anyways. When I was acutely aware of how little I deserved it. That is grace. I did not deserve that seat. I did not deserve that blessing, but that's who He is. That's what He does. I pray that in the future I would keep my perspective. I am little; He is big. I deserve nothing good, and yet He is the giver of all good things.

May it be the same for you, as well.

Throwback

Today I opened up my prayer journal to see where I was when it began. February 2013, when I began talk with PPM about full time ministry. How much has happened in a little over a year! I'm so grateful for the ways God was protected me, healed me, stretched me, grown me. My second entry in the journal is some lyrics, which is the main reason I wanted to post today. They are based on Matthew 14:28-31.

Keep your eyes on me Do not look away Keep your eyes on me I'll guide you in the way When the oceans roar And waves toss all around Keep your eyes on me I'll be your solid ground

Lord, if it's You, tell me and I'll come Lord, with You, the impossible is done Don't let me be afraid Keep me from my doubt Lord, give me faith to step out

This prayer still echoes in my heart today.

I am a sinner.

I have been confronted recently about how much I think of me. Everything revolves around me- what I do, what I think, who does or doesn't love me. Ugh. I am selfish, proud and impatient. If it doesn't concern me, I don't care.

That's disgusting and awful. And you know the worst part? I can't even grasp how true it is.

But God sees me through a rose-colored lens, well.. maybe it's more like blood-colored. Sure, he sees the not so pretty parts, but I am not condemned for my sins because Christ's blood covers me. And he is working in me to make me look more like him. That's why I can see these patterns. We're going to work on them together.

But in my pride and selfishness, I have a need for control. There are parts of me that maybe I still haven't given over completely to my Maker and my Healer. That's a scary thought. I want him to have all of me, but I don't know how to let go. And if I don't let go, can he do the work in me that he wants to do?

I am a sinner
If it's not one thing, it's another
Caught up in words, tangled in lies
But you are a Savior and you take brokenness aside
And make it beautiful
Beautiful



Lord, help me to surrender my all to you. All the broken and hurting place that I've kept for myself. Take all my fears, take all my dreams. Fill the void with you. 

Did I Ever Tell You About the Time...

..when God healed people through me? I didn't? I missed that?! WELL, let me tell you now.

Flashback to a week off in Costa Rica this March. Ciri and I go to service at one of our partner churches. There is a guest speaker from New Mexico. He facilitates a time of healing at the end of the service. I feel weird. No because I don't think God heals people, because that would be silly. I feel weird because I've prayed for over 10 years for God to move through me in that way. Anyway, Pastor Gerardo says hi to us when the service is over. I say hi to a few more people. Ciri calls me over. Pastor Gerardo has just asked if we're free tomorrow because North American speaker needs a translator for the service tomorrow night in a city 2 hours away. I say sure, even though I'm reluctant. Why am I reluctant? Because I want to spend time with people where we are; because Ciri will be up in front with speaker while I sit by myself in a new place; because I can't send her off by herself and not feel like a completely jerk. We go. 

We end up going with Speakerman and guy from town who can show us the way. Cool. At least I won't be sitting alone when Ciri goes to translate. We meet the pastor and dine together, and I start to relax. I'm here now; I may as well enjoy it and get to know these people. We arrive at the church and wander up to the front, where visitors sit. In clear view of everyone. Worship starts, and I close my eyes to forget them all. We sing songs in Spanish that I know in English. I sing out because they are songs that are hitting home.. my attitude, my selfishness, my disbelief. Speaker comes over to Ciri and I and anoints our hands. He tells us that after praying for a bit, he knew he needed to do so because God would be healing people through us tonight. Oh, cool. --- Wait, what?! 

He goes on to ask us if we've ever laid hands on people. Not for healing! So he gives us a few pointers (questions to ask and such). All of a sudden, I have this opportunity to see God do through me exactly what I'd been praying for for years. And I'm SO nervous. My inner dialogue with God goes something like: Um. Okay. Well.. God.. I'm going to do it. So you're going to have to meet me here.. I'm going to do my best to trust you to do your part. But please do it, ok? And that's how it goes the whole time they are up giving the message. But all the while, I feel this warming sensation in my hands. 

Fast forward a bit. Speakerguy says it's time to come forward for healing, and he introduces his "prayer team" for the evening, aka Ciri and me. Okay, God, it's now or never! I'm trusting you to do this! And I approach the first person, asking where the pain was and praying over her. I ask her if it's better. I have no idea what she says! So I pray again and ask again.. I mean the music is going, so again I don't understand her response, but I make eye contact with Speaker and he gives me the nod to move on. I move over to a woman kneeling at the front of the stage. I ask her about her pain and lay my hand on her back/hips (where the pain is) and pray. I ask her if it's better, and it's still difficult to hear, but also she is sobbing and nodding.. so I take that as a sign that God did his thing. The third person I move over to is deep in prayer. I go to place my hand on her head to continue lifting her up, and SHE FALLS OVER! Remember when I had a conversation with God about this? (If you don't, go back and read this entry.) I was so in shock. But luckily a leader from the church was there to cover her with a blanket and continue prayer. I catch Speaker's eye. Later at second dinner he tells me that he had a hard time not laughing at the face I made when it happened. I can only imagine how shocked and surprised I was, not to mention that I immediately turned and walked away. I'm pretty sure that's not the appropriate reaction, but hey. It was the first time anything like that had happened to me! Correction: through me. 

Anyway, the night goes on in this sort of way, and afterwards, I can't help but feel this overwhelming joy at what I just witnessed/took part in. I told Speaker how I'd prayed so long for that gifting, and he said he believed I had it. We talked about the importance of remembering what God does and how the Israelites so often forgot. So here I am, writing it down for the world to celebrate and remember with me. 

Since then, my question has been Now what? How do I know when God wants to heal someone through me? All I can think up is that I need to continue learning to hear His voice, and He will make it clear. So that is my next step. Growing in intimacy with the Trinity and obeying when I am given direction. I mean, that's not easy, but that's what my goal is. And I know I'll never "get there," but I'm excited to grow in this way.

Lord, I want to know your voice. I want to become familiar with your whisper and your prodding. Make me sensitive to your Spirit. I pray this for all of us. Let us know you more and with growth in that knowing, let us obey. 

Five Minutes of My Day: Black is Beauty

Sitting here in Jamaica at my host home for the week. The little boy who lives here is named Damari. We were talking tonight, and I made a joke about coming home from the beach and being red instead of white. He suddenly got very seriously and said, "Black is beauty. Some people say that black is evil. But black is beauty." He went on to say that he knows many people who have tried bleaching their skin, but he likes his skin color. Damari is nine. My heart broke for all these kids growing up in a place where people believe that their skin color could be anything other than beautiful. I pray Damari can be an encouragement to those around him, and that he would never doubt that God created him and thinks he is beautiful.

5 Minutes of My Day

My friend and coworker Bethany Richardson has several different series that she does on her blog (which can be found here), one of which is called "5 Minutes of My Day." I thought I'd follow suit. It's a good way to give you a glimpse into my life and what I do when I'm on the field.

So here it goes!

5 Minutes of My Day

During trip set up this last time in Costa Rica, Ciri, Jacob, and I attended church service in Abangaritos. Towards the end of service, everyone was up in front, worshipping and praying and receiving the Holy Spirit. Several fell. I know this is called being "slain in the Spirit," but I confess I don't know much more than that. Jacob and I turned to look at each other; neither of us are familiar with this. But I won't be so quick as to say it's fake. I began to pray silently, "Lord, I don't understand. I want to understand how your Spirit moves." And I got a simple, yet humbling response: "You will never understand me. Stop trying." And immediately I knew that if I understood him, He would have a limit, able to be grasped by human intelligence. And then what kind of God would that be?

I'm so glad He's greater.

A Spin of the Globe: Big Smiles, Big Hugs, & Big Hearts

Hey guys! You know how I just got to do my first guest post? Well now I get to do my first guest host! Today we have the lovely Leah Laird sharing her heart for Belize. I haven't been there yet, but reading her thoughts make me want to go hug a Belizean child yesterday! Read on to see why she loves this country so much!

A Spin of the Globe is a series compiled by Praying Pelican Missions Mission Coordinators and Advocates. Within our individual blogging, most readers only get a narrow glimpse of PPM and our world-wide ministry. Between us bloggers, we realized we never speak much to countries we don’t have experience in – so we are Spinning the Globe. We hope through this series, you can experience another country within (and even outside) the world of PPM and get a taste for ministry that is unique and powerful, in every location. We pray you are blessed.  For more details about all of our domestic and international locations, go here: http://www.prayingpelicanmissions.org/mission-trip-locations

I'm not a mom. I'm not even close. But I think I know what it feels like. For the past 5 years as I've traveled down to Belize, I've come in contact with many different children. Some I've only been able to see for that one week, some for only a couple hours, and some I've had the privilege of seeing time and time again. People often ask me why I go back to Belize and then they remark on its natural beauty and how wonderful the weather must be and yes it is. But the natural beauty and the exceptional weather is only a bonus. The real reason I go back is for the people, the children.

Jesus said, "Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom of heaven belongs to such as these." Matthew 19:14

It doesn't matter where you find yourself in Belize, there are children everywhere. It doesn't matter who you are, they will come running to you with open arms. They come running up to you with the biggest smiles, the best hugs and the sweetest laughter. Sometimes you don't even have to say a word, they just want to sit in your lap, look at your camera, or if your a girl, braid your hair. I think they've taught me more about love then I have taught them. They show unconditional love. No questions asked. Some of my hardest moments on the mission field have been having to say goodbye to these precious children at the end of the week and entrust them to God. I spend the week pouring into them, telling them how much they are loved, helping them with their crafts, praising them for their efforts, and giving them the biggest hugs. It doesn't take long to become attached and when they run to you everyday and jump into your arms it takes even less time.  I have had so many wonderful moments with these children and I enjoy taking pride in them every chance I get. I love teaching them things and helping them. That's why I can only imagine that that is what a mom feels like. I don't plan on becoming a mom for a long while but I don't mind playing mom and I feel privileged that God has allowed me the opportunity to love on some of his most precious children. 

If you have only experienced the natural beauty of Belize you have not experienced it at all. Until you get to hold a little two year old girl in a cherry print dress and sing, line by line, Jesus Loves Me for an hour and a half while she repeats you, you have not truly experienced Belize. Belize is so much more than the tropical rain forest, the deep blue waters, and the delicious foods. It's a beautiful country full of some of the most beautiful souls you will ever meet. Come with me and meet the real Belize. 

First Guest Post!

The other Missions Coordinators and Missions Advocates and I are doing a series called A Spin of the Globe. We recognize that you get to hear a lot about our individual areas of service, but not a great deal about what's going on in other locations. So we're swapping stories! I got to post on Denny's blog the other day.. Check it out!

http://dennymeints.wordpress.com/2014/02/21/glimpse-into-costa-rica-a-spin-of-the-globe/

Pieces.

It's hard to be Missions Coordinator. Not for any requirement of the job, although that can be difficult at times, too. What I'm talking about is hard to describe. For those of us assigned to ministry in specific countries, we end up spending a LOT of time there. We come to know the people and pastors and churches really well. It becomes a little bit like home. Or a lot like home. And then we return to the States. And a little piece of us stays.

Or depending on the connections we've made, many pieces stay.

We return with hearts so full from the blessings we've received and witnessed, from the ways we've seen God move in us and through us and in/through our teams and in/through the churches there. And yet as we are so full, our hearts are also fragmented. We ache for what we've just left behind.

We live in two worlds (and sometimes more!). There are few of us who can make our two lives one. Most of us have a hard time sharing one part of our life with the other. It takes words I don't have to make people understand how I feel. I can't explain life in the States to my friends in Costa Rica. People here in the States can hardly grasp what I'm talking about even though I'm not limited with my English vocabulary. It's hard to accurately describe the feelings that are stuck inside. As a result, I often times feel like no one understands me completely. And as a human, I long to be known completely and loved completely.

And I am. But I have to remember to look to the One who does. Sometimes I get caught up in trying to be understood by my earthly companions, but the truth is, even the closest person would never understand everything. And that longing to be known is supposed to drive us to the One who knows.

Lord, thank you for the small reminders that say, "I have not forgotten you." Thank you for knowing me and understanding me, and loving me still. Even when you can see all the dirt beneath what I try to present as a squeaky clean exterior. God, draw me to you when my heart feels isolated and disconnected. I don't want to look in other places. Spirit, move in ways that I could never imagine to connect both parts of my life. Because only YOU can. Thank you for the blessing that this job is, for the ways I get to see you move in your global kingdom, for reminding me through the longing that YOU are the One who knows me.

After all, to Stand.

I had coffee this morning with a wonderful woman who gave ear to my struggles and triumphs in these last few months. At one point in the conversation she told me it took her a while to realize that in Ephesians 6:13 and in James 4:7, we are not told to go out on the offensive.

Eph 6:13: Therefore take up the whole armor of God, that you may be able to withstand in the evil day, and having done all, to stand firm.

James 4:7 Submit yourselves therefore to God. Resist the devil, and he will flee from you.

He never asks us to go after satan or his minions. He doesn't tell us to attack. Only to stand.

I got a picture of an army holding rank as the enemy comes near. They have their armor. They are ready. Yet they do not run towards the battle. They fight when it is time, but they do not break rank. Whatever it is they are protecting is fully secure behind them.

That was a powerful image. Standing firm, standing guard.

Psalm 16:8 I have set the LORD always before me; because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.

#firstworldproblems

The Ultimate Mission Trip Style Guide: Dressing the Heart.

“The Ultimate Mission Trip Style Guide.” – tips and tricks from Praying Pelican Missions lady missionaries on how to look good, feel good and take the pressure off of packing your suitcase for a new culture, climate and lifestyle. Our heart is to remove the anxiety and focus from timeless questions like: “What do I wear?” and give you a few tips that we’ve learned throughout the years. Ultimately, we pray that these posts would be a resource for you as you prepare for your trip. We want to provide you with a few tools that can help you remain focused on what God is teaching you and doing around you during your time abroad, instead of the length of your shorts, the style of your still-wet hair or how much make-up is appropriate. But of course, throughout it all, we must have fun in the process!

The heart of what we do is ministry to the heart. So while it's fun to talk about mission trip fashion and looking good while serving, that's probably the least of our worries on a trip. Our concern is that you, our lovely missions participant, are seeing people and places and our glorious God the way we do. So here are my tips and tricks for how to dress your heart for missions.

1. Put on the full armor of God, so that you can take your stand against the devil’s schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. (Ephesians 6:11-12)

Even before you leave your home, while you're packing, clothe yourself in the armor of God. We can get caught up so easily in the way we present our outward appearance. If you're like me, satan will use that at times to take your attention off of what really matters. This is the MOST IMPORTANT thing you can wear while on the mission field.. even more important that deodorant or sunscreen! I wrote a post a while ago on what I was learning about spiritual armor, so if you're interested check it out!

2. Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. (Proverbs 4:23)

Let's face it. We live in a world where media dictates "worthiness." You have to be tall, pretty, skinny, wear the right clothes, say the right things, keep from saying/wearing the wrong ones.. man! That is tiring. Like I said before, it's easy to get caught up in that mindset, too. So along with wearing your spiritual armor, specifically guard your heart. In James' letter, he writes:

Religion that God our Father accepts are pure and faultless is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and to keep oneself from being polluted by the world. (1:27)

Yes! That's what we aim to do on these trips! To seek and love those in distress! Now if we could only get a grasp on keeping ourselves from being polluted by the world.. That part seems a little harder to me, especially because sometimes we don't even recognize the way lies make their homes our hearts. That's where more prayer comes in.

3. Search me, O God, and know my heart!    Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any grievous way in me,    and lead me in the way everlasting! (Psalm 139:23-24)

I do not want to fall for any of the lies that satan tries to manipulate me with, and I do not want to place others under that weight either. I assume you're with me on that! As we prepare for service today and every day, on this soil or that in a foreign land, let us lift each other up in prayer.


Father, I thank you for all the women who are on this journey with me, those I've met and those I haven't. I pray now that you show us the lies that we've been believing about ourselves and our beauty. Release us from the fear that accompanies a bad hair day. Let us walk boldly in your name to love the lost, no matter what we look like. Remind us to enjoy beauty because you created it, but to guard our hearts, Lord, that we may not become obsessed by it. We place on every piece of the armor of God so that we may stand firm today and everyday. In your wonderful and holy name, Amen.

Forgotten God

This summer I learned so much about the Holy Spirit and the spiritual realm. But I don't think it was so much factual knowledge as it was finally gaining experiential knowledge.

I knew I was going to experience a lot of spiritual warfare going into the summer, and I definitely did. I began to recognize a few of the ways satan was trying to distract me and refused to fall for it anymore. Then I began to fall for his lies in other ways. But I was so blessed to be surrounded by people who would speak truth over me and pray for me.

What I was not ready for was the joy and freedom I would come to really know during my summer. The very first week of the summer was rifled with difficult moments, but it was also the first time that I was able to really experience freedom in worship. At the beginning of our week at Hosanna, worship was.. okay. I did the best I could considering that I didn't really know the songs and/or couldn't figure out the lyrics (may I remind you that they were in Spanish). There was a lot of just standing and watching the people around us engage, especially at the Sunday night service where people went nuts. Now, I have already mentioned several times my adopted family in Quepos. Marlon (the worship leader) taught our group the choruses to the songs they would be singing at the church service midweek. We practiced. We learned the meanings. And when the time came for adoracion, we decided to go all in. I have to describe this for it to make sense. At the front of the church is the big open space that fills up with people who are dancing and jumping and singing along during the time of music. Sunday night, we watched. I longed to join in, but something was holding me back. Wednesday night, we ran up and got just as sweaty as everyone else. It may have been the sweatiest time of my life. And you know what? I didn't care. Not one single bit. I was joyously jumping and singing and proclaiming the truths I knew in those songs. (Maybe I cared a little bit as we were sitting down and I realized how disgusting I was!) But the freedom that was in that place was amazing. And for the first time, 2 Cor 3:17 was real. "For the Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." One of the songs we sang says, "Soy sano. Soy libre en Jesus. (I am healed. I am free in Jesus.)" And I began to claim that freedom wherever I went in worship. I refuse to let my environment dictate whether or not I will worship with my whole being, in spirit and in truth, whether it be joyous jumping or quiet contemplation.

This began to overflow into all the areas of my life. I feel like the things I was praying and singing were exactly in touch with the Spirit. My prayers became more sincere and more impassioned. I was moved to tears by God's power and strength. I wanted others to catch the vision. I began to seek to know the Spirit more and more. I read Forgotten God by Francis Chan, and I'll share two parts with you. The first is

The world is not moved by love or actions that are of human creation. And the church is not empowered to live differently from any other gathering of people without the Holy Spirit. But when believers live in the power of the Spirit, the evidence in their lives is supernatural. The church cannot help but be different, and the world cannot help but notice.

It is through the power of the Holy Spirit that we stand out from the world, not through our own efforts. How silly of us! Are we meeting together, ignoring His presence? Or do our churches look different? An easy test: Do people notice??

The other quote that really stood out to me is actually a quote from JI Packer:

The Christian’s life in all its aspects–intellectual and ethical, devotional and relational, upsurging in worship and outgoing in witness–is supernatural; only the Spirit can initiate and sustain it. So apart from him, not only will there be no lively believers and no lively congregations, there will be no believers and no congregations at all.

Both of those quotes talk about the supernatural. Having spent the last 10 years of my life (mostly) at a Presbyterian church, it's not something I am really familiar with. Do we pray for boldness in our outreach and our worship? Do we pray for miracles? Do we even believe that God does miracles today? These things come when we are in touch with the Spirit, because it is through HIS power that we change. Another word that sticks out to me from that is the word "lively." This summer I feel like I learned what it is to be alive in Christ and in the Spirit. not just existing, but ALIVE. For me that word has so much sparkle to it. I look around at some of the people in my life and wonder if they aren't missing out on the ABUNDANT life that Christ came to give us. Why on earth would we trudge through when we can dance and leap and really LIVE?!

I never want to go back. I want to keep learning more. I want to know what giftings are, and I want to use them to bring Him glory. Mostly I want my life to look different so that people notice and come to know the One who is worthy of all praise.

Spirit, thank you for the ways you have revealed yourself to me this year. I want to be sensitive to your movement and your power. Embolden me to live differently and to share with others the joy that comes from knowing you.

Orar

Orar - to pray

So since my last post was about prayer, I thought I'd continue in that vein. This summer I began to really pray. Even before I left, I had begun to meet people who really prayed. I wanted a prayer life that wasn't just half-hearted or meaningless (not that mine were). I simply didn't feel like I knew enough. I am thinking of 4 people specifically who, in the last year, have taught me a lot about prayer. I have a feeling this post will end up looking like an acceptance speech of sorts, but I want to say thank you where thanks are due.

Sarah Mac. Friend, fellow high school ministry leader. Before I was even hired for this position, God placed me in relationship with this girl. Since I met her, her profound prayer life has been something that has inspired me. She knows so much about so many kinds of prayer. I knew I needed to align myself with this friend because she was going to play a big role in my prayer development. I wanted my prayer life to look more like hers. I know she was praying for me when I was gone. And now that I'm back, we pray together so often, covering our ministry and each other in prayer. I love that we challenge and inspire each other to do so.

Anabelli. One of our Costa Rican Contacts. This woman is full of the Spirit. When she prays, she speaks Scripture. She prays verses over people. A woman who knows her Bible that well and just speaks it over people. We joke that she has a direct line to God, but she does. She listens as she prays. She genuinely lifts people up and listens to what God has for them. And then she speaks it in boldness. It is incredible to witness God speaking through her in prayers. She is a passionate woman, unafraid to weep at the beauty or the brokenness she is feeling as she prays. She holds nothing back in prayer.

Jenny. One of my ATLs this summer. This girl is BOLD. She was always praying for miracles. And anything that happened, her first go-to was prayer. For three weeks, I had this woman as an example and inspiration in prayer. She is unafraid to pray for big things, knowing that even if they don't happen now, they can in the future. I learned to make prayer a first reaction rather than an afterthought. During one of our weeks, Jenny came to me, excited about the opportunity to pray for a boy who was severely sick and confined to his bed. He could neither speak nor move nor eat on his own. I want to say that we spent an hour praying over this boy. There were no noticeable changes in him, but it united us with his parents and pastor in purpose and heart. Prayer changes everything.

Shelby. PPM intern/ATL. She knows when she needs to get away. I'm reminded of the many times Jesus escaped to go have time alone to pray. That's Shelby. In our fourth week of ministry, we decided to teach the team about prayer. Shelby spoke on the authority we have in Jesus' name. So much so that nature might even obey. There was one moment a day or so after her lesson that we were having a church meeting, and the rain began to thunder on the tin roof over our heads, drowning out the testimony that was being shared. I began praying that God would hold back the rain, and when I glanced at Shelby, I knew she was doing the same. What excited me was that immediately after that, I sensed a significant change in the volume of the pounding. I found out later in the summer that she is also unafraid to pray for healing. Even multiple times for the same thing. Why do I give up?

Kristy. ATL. She was only in Costa Rica for one week. She had no idea why she needed to be there. And she has no idea of the impact she's made on so many lives, mine included. Kristy is another bold one. She is unashamed to ascribe things to spiritual warfare. She had an old knee injury flare up. She knew it was satan trying to take her attention away, so she asked us to pray for healing. We prayed several times, and each time she chose to BELIEVE she would be healed. Multiple times. Even when nothing changed. And when I came to her broken, she lifted me up and prayed truth over me, and then sent satan packing with his lies.


There are probably a lot of other instances/people I could talk about, but this are who come to mind. I have grown SO much in my prayer life over the last year. What excites me is that I will never be finished learning about how and why we pray or what prayer accomplishes or the many kinds of prayer. It's an exciting journey that I'm glad I don't walk alone.

Know that I'm praying for YOU.

The Lord's Prayer.

A few years ago, my small group and I decided that each of us would rewrite the Lord's prayer in our own words. It was a pretty cool exercise and interesting to hear those prayers through the filters of our individual lives. I want to challenge you to dissect that prayer and see what it means for you. Too often we pray it routinely, but forget to MEAN it. And if we don't mean it, what good is our prayer?

So.. that being said, here's mine:

Abba Father, Daddy God
You are so so big and so so good!
You deserve all of my adoration all of my days.
I want to see you move
In my, through me, all around me and all throughout the world.
May you get the glory in everything I do;
It is your name I want to make known.
Father, fill me with your love today
so that others may feel your love through me.
Teach me and provide for me, even in ways that I may not recognize.
Search my heart and show me where I fall short.
Keep me humble to admit my mistakes and to forgive those who've hurt or wronged me.
Protect my heart, mind, and body from satan's tricks in whatever ways he may attack.
I want nothing to keep me from you!
You alone, and no one else, deserve all honor, glory, power and praise.
In your name,
Let it be!